Day 123 - one of my favourite places

Oh my goodness. Such a long day!

I didn't sleep especially well (not helped by some hideous dreams) and then was forced up to get to the GP. I was so sleepy and rather low. Confused about what I 'should' feel and what I did feel. Throw in a bit of guilt and worry I might be making things out to be worse than they are.

The GP basically said it was important to try to do fun/nice things for myself even if I couldn't find a friend to distract me (we established that not seeing so many friends was a large contributor to the worsened mood this week). Otherwise she couldn't do anything. That just made me feel more hopeless. But still largely sleepy!

I wanted to go home to bed. But I managed to persuade myself not to go home (maybe partly as I didn't want to face housemates) and go and sit in what is possibly my favourite place in Cambridge - by the river. Benches were hard to come by due to some rebuilding work they were doing. But I sat and then lay in the field in the glorious sunshine.

I was there for I don't know how long! I was still so tired and considered just cancelling Tyndale. But then I thought it might be loving to do a bit to help there. I persuaded myself to go via a coffee shop. Unfortunately my plans had to be somewhat altered as, in attempting to take a short cut across the field, I got into a rather marshy area. I'm not sure that my shoes are recoverable!

So I went home, stopping off to buy some food on the way. I had a shower and went to bed.

I was hit by desperation, unsure how to manage the weekend. Tried to make plans but to no avail.

Eventually I went off to Tyndale. Only for an hour and I spent that counting down till 5pm somewhat.

As I walked get the bus, I was preoccupied by how very fat I felt. I got myself into a bit of a tizz about it all and how to lose weight (not eating enough is not fair on me or anyone who has to then try to lift my mood). I thought I must get back into running... But then that brings back that stress of the other week...

I got back, cooked, chatted to Amanda and then played a couple of games with Rhoda. Such a headache again though.

I wasn't looking forward to sleeping as I have been too bothered by nightmares lately. I realised that might be because of taking mirtazapine and maybe I should just come off it - not like it is making me well anyway. And then I got all excited because I realised if I came off it I might lose at least some of the two stone it made me put on. But I mustn't rush into any decisions and definitely should talk to the GP and probably the psychiatrist first!