Day 109

Dithered over GP appointment. Should I go, should I not? Was I wasting her time? It wasn't like I was desperate to see her but I did want to. It would make it more likely I would go to Tyndale too, not that that should be a reason to have an appointment. In the end I decided it would be helpful to discuss things before next week's appointments.

Anxiety and guilt as I lay in bed; I felt trapped.

GP bit helpful and made me realise that despite my opinion that I might now be suddenly fine, I still actually wasn't great. She suggested I thought about things in the framework of a month for my answers to ATOS. I felt like I had made a fool of myself. Embarrassed.

Rubbish and didn't want to run as planned, or go to Tyndale. Thought I could probably force myself but didn't want to. Lazy? Fraud? Turns out I'm choosing not to be driven like I thought I could be. I guess that is part of depression.

Bought chocolate. Wanted to just sit down as I was walking round the shop. I thought about going home but didn't want to get intercepted by housemates. But I wanted to go to bed. In the end, I crept in.

Went to bed, feeling guilty. I worried as I was playing games on my iPad and maybe if people knew this, they would say I was lazy.

I felt like rejecting God.

I slept, waking up from time to time feeling unsafe.

Didn't really want to go out at all but thought I should. As I got myself up and out to see Anna, Lizzie phoned. It was a good CBT example as I had convinced myself she was annoyed with me but she was totally lovely. Without her knowing it, the conversation helped me decide I really didn't want to reject God. I still had some issues to sort out but put them at the back of my mind whilst with Anna.

I feel bad about missing Lucy, I don't want to idolise her. But I do miss her.

I was late to Anna's and a bit subdued at the beginning but got quite engrossed in our game of canasta and felt quite calm. I noticed this and allowed myself to.

After quite a bit, I did begin to feel a little overwhelmed and close to being weepy. I stuck it out though.

I struggled as I walked up to Emma's later with Alice. I was rather tired. The evening was quiet but I think I picked up again after eating. I did struggle a bit not to be grumpy.

Obviously I worried about how well I had been all afternoon.