Day 108

I hadn't been looking forward to crèche and as I sleepily made my way there, I felt pretty emotional. I had little energy and expected it to be quite a drag managing the full hour and a half.

As soon as I got into the building I had a crying toddler to deal with! I didn't feel too bad but when I was offered some carrot cake, I decided that would probably be good for my energy levels (despite having eaten a good breakfast only an hour earlier). It was such a delicious piece of cake and did the trick! I was pretty energetic as I was made to push trolleys round the hall or read a book 'again, again' again and again!

There was a moment where I just didn't know how I was going to cope but I thought I could just sit down and rest if necessary.

I pushed through and was quite cheerful when the mums came back in. Beka commented on this as we parted. Then the fatigue came over me. Worry, guilt, anxiety... Maybe I was actually just thirsty? Maybe I am a fraud? Argh.

I went to a cafe for some food and drink and a chance to catch up with my feelings. I emailed my church group to invite them to a social. Maybe that means I can work? I hate this guilt. I reckoned I could allow myself to enjoy the rest of the day - going for cake and tea with Bibs was meant to be fun. Being happy with that does not equate to coping with a job!!

I was fatigued again and struggled walking round town. Was definitely glad of the coffee and cake. I kept up a good conversation with Bibs but definitely noticed I wasn't getting my words out very well quite a lot.

I was a bit scared of going home and being by myself for the evening so dropped in on Lizzie on my way home.

I still had quite a lot of the evening left though even then. I crept up to my room, avoiding being accosted by housemates. I lay down for a while and faffed around online, feeling quite guilty and anxious.

I persuaded myself to go down and get something to eat eventually and thought I might chat to Rhoda for a bit. I thought that would be the kind thing to do. I also didn't want to make myself crazy - I needed distraction, but felt guilty distracting myself. I considered suggesting we played a game but I couldn't really be bothered.

As it was, events led to games being played and they were quite fun. But then I got very tired and fatigued again.

Since coming back to my room and eating some more food, I have become very guilt ridden and anxious again. My mind feels rather busy and I am very scared about ATOS. Thoughts racing. I am playing games on my iPad and writing this and I probably should be sleeping. But I feel all in a hurry or something. Oh dear. ...And breathe.

I feel like I should just trust God with the ATOS assessment but I am worried that he wants me to work. But if he does want that then it is good to find out. His way is best after all, even if I can't see why. Like a parent telling a child to stop eating sweets now. But I don't want to work. Really, really don't want to.

I'm going to have to get better some day as I won't be ill in eternity. That scares me.