Day 93

I tried not to wake up and didn't really till 12. I think I had some anxiety about maybe being OK. I felt stressed like I had to do loads of things and guilty that I wasn't being 'good enough'. In whose eyes? Probably God's. But I will never be good enough by myself. However, Jesus is good enough and he has taken the punishment for my short-fallings. I am forgiven. So I shouldn't have to worry. I might have been OK some of the time.

I ended up having an impromptu trip to Christine's where I did some CBT work. I was working through a Christian book. It involved looking at I Corinthians 12:12 - 13:13 and appreciating that we are all created unique by God and are significant in Jesus. I am a part of the church body and the body needs all it's parts. I'm no more nor less significant than any other Christian. We are in an in-between stage and can't fully know God now but what we can do is trust in him, hope in him and love. The greatest of these is love. So these are our roles.

This all made me a bit anxious. Rationally, I don't think it should. I am forgiven. It is by grace alone by faith alone in Christ alone that I am saved. But I was stressed that I wasn't good enough all the same. I think I just need to keep reminding myself of Truth and the fact that Jesus died to save me. It is good news.

I then went off to Helen's but I was feeling anxious still. I can't really remember now but I think there might have been some OK time but when the television went on I started to get rather agitated and was feeling like I needed to do something. I struggled to focus properly when Helen said anything. It was all quite stressful! I became very sleepy as well. Some of the stuff on the TV made me sad.

I missed Lucy quite a lot again today.

Once home I got quite stressed in an OCD way about germs as I tried to clear the dirty dishes out of my room and then take my rubbish out and put a load of laundry on.

I don't want to do crèche tomorrow. Trying to think of it as a way of loving people...