Day 72

Perhaps surprisingly I was pretty alright this morning. I did a fair amount of sleeping and some TV watching.

I was meant to be going to play with Lydia so I got up in time to leave, just before 2pm. I was a bit worried about whether I could justify not demonstrating tomorrow. As I walked to the bus stop, Beka rang to say not to come as Lydia was ill. I chatted to her about whether to work tomorrow. She said some things in favour of going: it hasn't been as bad as I expect in the past; it would be good to get over that anxiety about going sooner, rather than later; I felt rubbish about not going last week.

I kept walking as I didn't think it would be good for me to go back home and just have basically been in bed all day. I was massively struggling to keep going. I wanted to just sit down, but not where people could see me. I was really depressed. I think the trigger had been realising I didn't have anything much to do this week and I was scared I might get ill and that would make things bad. I felt like I couldn't even arrange to see people because they were ill or they are immunosuppressed and since I might be carrying the bug (as I saw ill people yesterday).

I kept going for about a mile but my feet began to hurt. I thought I could use my bus ticket to take me somewhere exciting where I could get a nice picture for this. I distracted myself for a while by playing some games on my iPad and catching up on yesterday's blog entry. Then I felt really depressed again. Not fun.

I messaged Christine:

Me: Can you reassure me? I feel like I am just so rubbish and not giving my life completely to God. It is faith, not works though. Me thinking I am not good enough is like I am saying Jesus didn't do enough. First few verses of Isaiah 55 say how we don't have to bring anything, I think. But I am just really struggle to believe I will be saved...

Christine: what do you mean, 'will be saved'? if you believe in your heart and proclaim with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, then you are saved. You've already done that, in fact, JESUS has already done that for you, and so there is no going back. You just ride the wave of what he's done. Tell him about your not feeling good enough, your doubts, your struggles. But don't carry them off on your own to look at them; carry them right to him.
<3 <3 the thing is, your depression tells you a lot of things that aren't true. it's depression telling you you're rubbish and not good enough. it's not even YOU telling yourself that. you keep fighting the lies of depression with the truth of Christ and that you know.

Me: Thank you, that is really, really helpful. I hate depression. It's so stupid and annoying and it makes it hard to pray sometimes. But I love Jesus (not nearly enough, but he can help me with that) and I love friends like you, thank you.

Christine: we will never love Jesus properly. you're right, he helps us to know and love Him, but there's no one on earth who loves Him rightly, or 'enough'. and Yes. Depression is so stupid and I hate it too! it puts us down and takes our energy and makes us more susceptible to lies. and definitely for prayer. But He won't let go of you - even in the darkest depression when we can't hold onto Him, he holds onto us.

Wise and helpful words there!!

I may have picked up a bit, I can't really remember but then a friend rang. She wanted to know about seeing Lucy yesterday. I told her some of the stuff and then she started telling me why she thought I should get a job. This prompted me to be quite stressed and guilt-ridden but Lizzie reminded me that I needed to take the advice of the GP and psychiatrist. I decided not to teach tomorrow. I think it is just too demanding but I slightly think I am lazy. Argh, no, I'm not going here!

I was meant to be seeing my housemate this evening. I couldn't be bothered/really was just too depressed to get round to finding food to eat beforehand. I also just wanted to sleep. I was quite open with my housemate when I did go and chat to her. I think I picked up quite a lot just speaking to her. But then I began to get really hungry so went to cook and put a load of washing on. I only got slightly stressed at this point.

I sat down to eat but was so depressed again. It all looked hopeless. Argh. I just wanted to die. But then I didn't want to die because that too is scary. I felt trapped. I hoped that eating might help me feel a bit better.

I can't really remember how I dealt with it but I guess I don't feel so bad now. Still not great, but not nearly as depressed. Yay for riding that wave out. Quite tired now which is good - I can sleep in a moment.

I don't have the energy to write much about them now but here are a few issues on my mind:
-does the fact I can often hide that I am depressed mean that I am not that ill? (Ahh, Laura, does it seriously matter, who cares!!)
-is it just a spiritual problem I have? And linked into that, is there really anything Lucy can do even if I were re-referred to her?
-I am worried about getting ill in the short term, but even more so in the long term eg cancer. Eek. Must eat better.
-I am failing to do very much of any use...I am lazy, a fraud...
-I don't want to see certain people but I should.
-if I did some exercise maybe I would be fine...AHHH!!!
-I am confused!!