Day 67

In the morning I met up with Katherine. We had a hard but helpful chat about me missing Lucy and being stressed by next week's appointment. She reminded me that Lucy is not able to give me the care I am subconsciously looking for as she is just doing her job. Anyway there are people who do care and love me. And more than that, there is God. He loves me beyond words.

We talked a bit about all my wobbles with faith lately. It was all very reassuring, especially Isaiah 55:1:

"Come, all you who are thirsty,
come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without cost."

So amazing - I don't need to bring anything. My salvation is quite literally a free gift! All I need is a tiny amount of faith. Faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains!

I think I started feeling more like depression is my fault and it is just that I am a massive sinner. But then I am a massive sinner, just like the rest of mankind. It's ok though as I am saved by God's merciful grace. It got me thinking more about how it is just my pride that is making me so keen for depression to to be my fault. At first this caused me to despair but then I realised I could just be open with Jesus and ask Him for help. Incredible!

So I went home feeling like maybe I wouldn't be depressed anymore. But this scared me.

In the evening, I adjourned to Northampton for the church weekend away. I had been a bit in denial that it was going to happen but when I got there and the reality set in, it was all a bit much. I felt rejected by people and overwhelmed. Especially by the fact I was asked to be a group leader. I got into quite a bad mood about that. I felt a bit like I was just being difficult but at the same time I was not feeling up to supporting others. Or having to go to every meeting. But then I thought maybe I was just being rebellious. And stubborn.

Anyway, it all ended up with me pulling out of being a leader and retiring to bed early. I felt quite miserable as a result.