Nothing to worry about

Nothing to worry about


What a fab moment I had this morning when I went to my car to go out for lunch and I realised that I had left my cardigan belt hanging out of the door, nothing exciting I know but it was soaking wet with the overnight storms. Normally this would have been something extra to hassle me but today I realised how relaxed I felt and that all I had to worry about was a wet woollen belt and how refreshing that really was!

For months now I have been on high alert, like an alert used by governments when their security has been compromised, an alert that has left me both physically and mentally exhausted and crying out for some stability and a desire to protect my borders from attack. It may sound strange to some to compare my state of mind to a security alert but it's exactly how it's been, my physical health has suffered, my mental health has taken a real kicking and has been up and down like a toilet seat in a family home. My career and work based confidence and self esteem has been eroded, stamped on and crushed and basically become something I fear rather than celebrate but I've survived and know now that I'll continue to grow stronger.

I finished my recent baby loss counselling journey today, a journey that has taken me through my deepest feelings, some of them very scary and frightening, but most of them enlightening with lots of painful light bulb moments where I realised that my feelings were valid and that I wasn't completely broken and irreparable. My state of alert has sometimes threatened to sabotage my journey but I've been determined to move forward and this, although seemingly a long dark tunnel, did have an end and once I reached the end the light was blinding and opened up a new way of seeing for me, a new landscape full of areas still to be discovered and plenty of beauty to experience immediately.

This journey has already taken me through some interesting landscapes, ones that have lay undiscovered and some I have let overgrow to try to camouflage the pain. The next stage of this recovery will be exploring into those overgrown spaces and uncovering some more feelings so I can once again appreciate the beauty beneath. I'm fearful of this but know that it's what I need to do to feel whole again. After all I really don't want to be a repressed person I want to be free from some of the chains we all carry around with us so I can release the creativity within me.