Day 58

Morning d-4 a-5

Saw Lizzie and Anna but was not feeling good. Little motivation or energy. Was nice to be there though and also Lizzie said she didn't thinking needed to worry about what I had said to Katherine yesterday.

Afternoon d-4 a-4

Saw Bibs and little baby J! Felt similar.

Evening d-6 a-6

I think I felt a little better for a bit but then on my way to Alice's, I witnessed the aftermath of a probable assault. I reported it but I started worrying that I should have acted differently and what if I misled the police about anything? Eek. Lizzie pointed out there will have been CCTV around so that will help and if it is domestic abuse, she should report it anyway. It might just help that I had said something too. That made me feel a little calmer.

Once home, I did some hoovering before going to bed and feeling stressed by everything I had to do. I needed to prepare for tomorrow's teaching. I really, really don't want to go tomorrow. I am actually quite wanting to go to crèche to see Lydia. But petrified about demonstrating. I just read through the terms of my contract to see whether it would be really bad if I cancelled. I think I am just going to have to go through with it. I got through the maths for the teaching but the prospect of four hours and seeing certain students is filling me with fear.

I just was struck by how alone I feel. It is scary. But I have God. He is with me always. That is very, very good.

I have been worrying about getting ill. It all feels quite hopeless. I feel like a bad Christian (remember, Laura, I am a sinner SAVED BY GRACE). I am still bothered by feelings of fatness and ugliness. Argh.