Day 46

I live in a country where the biggest war one is likely to encounter on a daily basis is a battle against technology. Ok, that might be a bit simplistic and not entirely accurate, but what I am trying to say is that I don't live in a war zone; I can walk down the street without being scared. I'm not caught up in some terrible drought or famine; I have ample food and drink. Despite being in debt technically, my life is in no way one of poverty. I live in a nice, well-heated house. I do not have any deadly disease, chronic pain or damaged body parts. The weather is in no way extreme (mostly anyway!) so no stresses there. I have a family who love me and many a friend. I have a great church, an amazing God. I haven't been abused, I don't have bullying or difficult colleagues/neighbours. I don't have a dying, or even ill, close relative. I don't have anyone depending on me. I have minimal amounts of work.

So why aren't I happy? How can I be depressed? Other people survive many of these terrible things so why can't I manage? Or can I? Am I just one big fraud? A lazy lie-about?

I don't really like cycling at the moment as I seem to wind myself up and seem to have got myself very low on many cycles of late. This evening's cycle back from Christine's wasn't especially pleasant as it was raining heavily and I was thinking about how easy my life is compared to others. Except it isn't easy, is it? But then, that is just because I make it hard by worrying and being sad, surely...

I think at this stage I am going to have to employ the strategy I like to call 'make yourself a stranger'. Suppose I had just read what I have written above in relation to someone else's life. Someone who was depressed and anxious. Would I be calling them a fraud? No. Definitely not. Depression is an actual thing, a horrible thing. It doesn't matter whether my life looks great, depression doesn't work like that. I am sure some people are in worse positions but ultimately, regarding me and whether I am ok, that doesn't make a difference.

Praise God I am getting better and managing to enjoy more things. But I never was going to get better over night. I have been really very ill in the past. These things take time to recover from. Slow and steady. So let's not beat ourself up about not working much and take a more compassionate view.

Also, if any of the things above happened/went wrong, I am not convinced I would cope. I need to make the most of my recovery now while things are relatively easy. Things aren't all that easy though, not least because of this guilt and anxiety I have about getting better.

Today was a bit crazy. I got woken up by a friend asking for some urgent help with her toddler son. I went into get-on-with-it mode. This was quite good for a while but before too long I did (surprise, surprise) start to have that familiar feeling of guilt and anxiety. I also got really quite tired and felt more ill.

When I had a chance to sit down by myself, I felt very anxious and tense again, feeling like I needed to sort something else but a bit unsure exactly what/overwhelmed by there being too many things going on/needing sorting.

I did have some low moments, especially when I thought about how Lucy still hadn't replied. But the good thing that I noticed is that they didn't last too long. I managed to mostly get on. This evening though Lucy did reply. This too prompted some misery! When I am feeling up to it I will see whether her suggestions help...