Day 45

When I woke up I just wasn't sure how I could get through the day but since I was staying at Clare's and she had said I needed to be up by 8.30, I had to just get on! I had slept pretty well, which is good given that yesterday night had been quite bad.

I could have done with more sleep which was why I just didn't think I was going to make it through the day as Thursdays are usually exhausting anyway. I accepted the offer of a cup of tea and that really helped! I wondered/worried whether I actually was fine, just needed to drink more tea in life... But speaking to Beka lately, it sounds like that isn't the case as my body would just get more used to the caffeine.

Anyway, once at crèche, I was probably more lively than I usually am and this definitely did keep me anxious that I am ok. There did end up being some lower moments I seem to recall but overall it was alright. I was worried that Beka didn't like me very much though.

After crèche there was a lunch for everyone. I actually socialised quite well and didn't feel left out like I often have done at similar things in the past. At the end I asked Beka whether I had annoyed her and she said no. She felt really unwell though and then I felt bad for letting her do so much in crèche.

I worried more and more about this and I think I wanted to be shown more care by certain people. All of this left me feeling really low and guilty. I needed to go to prepare for demonstrating in the afternoon but lacked the motivation, preferring to sit in church.

I did go eventually to a coffee shop only to discover that I couldn't actually get the work on my iPad. That wasn't ideal. I sort of felt I should be doing what I could to prepare but was procrastinating quite a bit, feeling so rubbish.

Luckily, with the help of God, I picked up whilst demonstrating. When I had time to think about it, this did fill me with dread, as usual. I feel like I did a pretty poor job of demonstrating. I didn't really know what to do about the various problems that came up and I feel like in some cases I did more damage than good. I am not anywhere near as bothered as I would expect about this though. (Another cause for concern...)

It has been upsetting me a bit now that Lucy still hasn't replied to my email. Sort of feel that it's my fault if that makes me sad though. The thing that makes me slightly happier is that it is only a month till my next appointment (a few months ago that would have felt far, far too long and unbearable. It feels manageable now, but still sad).

In the evening, it was Beka's birthday pub trip. As I was with Lizzie it wasn't very scary although I did get pretty tired.

Once home, I was really tense and quite stressed about getting things done. I couldn't really relax and wasn't entirely certain what it was that I felt I needed to achieve. Maybe some of this? On the plus side it did mean that I got some stuff done.

I really need to do CBT work... Psychiatrist appointment on Tuesday and I have definitely not done enough.

I am not going to feel too guilty about it although I do feel slightly bad. Also feel bad to God, I seem to have neglected to spend much, if any, time reading the bible.

I will do a quick thought record about feeling bad about Beka feeling ill.

Reasons why it is my fault:
- she was entertaining lots of children while I was only entertaining a few, and at times I only had one.
- there were times when she asked that I did certain things and I didn't always manage them

Reasons why it isn't my fault:
-Beka didn't think it was my fault
-other than knowing she is pregnant, I didn't actually know there was a problem till afterwards
-I was actually doing quite a lot myself
-Beka could have said she needed to sit down but she kept going

Balanced view: poor Beka but she is ok now, even if it had been my fault. However, it wasn't really my fault. I maybe could have done a bit more but maybe not - it is quite hard to do much else when Lydia is telling you what to do. It isn't worth worrying about.