Birthday Drinks

Fleetwood Mac - Dreams (Gigamesh Edit)

End of the week (for me) and a meet-up with mates for drinks and affirmation of a friend. I've had enough time to myself re-calibrating life once again so positivity I shall make out of it.

A friend of mine mentioned that in order to put positivity in your life, you have to take out all that's negative. Pretty simple terms without moral detail. However, in order to be truly positive, transforming the negative aspects into positives is much better than just cutting them out. If a person creates a lot of stress (and the like) in your life, instead of cutting them off or destroying them, approach them face-to-face and acknowledge the negativity through debate and discussion and hopefully find a common ground to continue living in harmony.

Easier said than done of course and there are plenty of people we've chosen to no longer see in our lives, so I suppose it's only a matter of time before one develops the courage to face the demon.

On a very personal note, I kicked a friend out of my apartment 3 years ago simply because they were being excruciatingly selfish (in my opinion anyway), but I would argue that hitting on all my friends, getting uncontrollably drunk, and by and large choosing to put himself in danger by stopping in front of over 8 cars whilst he was under my responsibility (I wasn't particularly responsible for him, but were he to die, I would have to pick up all the pieces; he was in this situation before) would be reason enough to do so. The tipping point was the person having no idea, or in my opinion, being consciously oblivious that they did it the next day.

Sure, it could have been worse, but I chose to ostracise him from my life. I've been all the better for it, however there is this conflict inside, that in order to be truly positive, I should have helped him fight his own demons and point him into the direction of being truly free. I sometimes fantasise seeing him back in Melbourne and quite frankly, punching him in the face; imagined dialogue exchanged and pure hatred seething from my very pores. My diagnosis is that I'm not particularly doing myself a favour in trying to be "positive" and clearly I have some issues to deal with. Everyone has issues so judge all you'd like.

However, and sorry to bring this entry even further down the despair hole, such things will again be forgotten, and the efforts inspired, tried in vain. You eventually forget people who have crossed your life entirely through time and hindsight comes too late. Hopefully the courage will be mustered to truly be good and fight the temptation of pride, envy and insecurity. I often tend to point the finger at those who've "wronged" me, but truly, there is no one else to blame but yourself. After a natural disaster, you can choose either to help others or enjoy the spoils of ruined houses and shops for survival. After arguments of petty thoughts, one must let go and show true love in return, not to gain points, but because you want to on principle.

It's how I feel now and upon retrospect I have made peace with a number of conflicts that have risen over the years with friends and we've loved each other even more after the fact. Such things soothe me. I had troubles with a childhood friend over a girl back in high school, but we eventually sorted it out with time and we're even closer now (he's my illegitimate brother). We discussed over the years and saw what happened in each other's lives to help give clarity to the reason of the problem. Respect will come through understanding and true friendship and love will come through the readjustment from selfish thought to a mutual understanding of true help and love. Easier said than done of course as we've all got our own battles to face.

I'm just thankful for everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, in my life, and drawing back to what happened this evening, it only makes me more grateful that such things are plentiful should you choose to value it. Always show respect and understanding to your fellow person, if not now, then in the eventual future. I can't completely rid myself of guilt, but I can at least try to.