Day 21

I cant especially remember what went on this morning before the cycle to Helen's. The cycle was horrible though and I was really struggling mentally and physically.

Once at Helen's the afternoon wasn't too bad. We had a conversation about work which stressed me a bit. Then we cooked and played lots of bananagrams. There was a general underlying sense of guilt throughout the afternoon and as it got closer to the time I needed to leave to go to Norwich, I began to get increasingly nervous about that.

Once on the train, I felt thoroughly flustered. I managed to calm down enough to do some CBT. I was reading my book 'The Feeling Good Handbook' by David D. Burns, as suggested by the psychiatrist.

I wanted to find a pen to take notes. But, alas! After much searching I gave up...and used an eye pencil. May I suggest that it wasn't really worth it! See the photo for the success we had there...

So I resorted to writing in here. I decided that given that I have been plagued by guilt recently, that was the thing to look at.

Guilt or shame: you believe you've hurt someone or that you've failed to live up to your own moral standards. Guilt results from self-condemnation whereas shame involves the fear that you'll lose face when others find out about what you did.

That makes sense. I feel as though I am letting God down and therefore feel guilty.

Lets examine that thought under the ten forms of twisted thinking.

All-or-nothing thinking: if I am not perfect, I have failed. Well, actually only Jesus is perfect. We all have failed but that is why Jesus died and rose again even though He had committed no wrong. To be honest, in this example, I don't think that this type of faulty thought is a problem but it's good practice for me all the same.

Overgeneralisation: I see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern. I guess you could say that I do this by feeling like wanting to give up because I have one thing of not getting up on my mind as a failure. Again, not sure about how helpful this one is.

Mental filter: Ignoring all the positives and obsessing over the minor negative. Well, again there are actually a lot of negatives as we are all massive sinners but I guess there are good things too. I do spend some of my time usefully and in a way I suspect pleases God. Like when I try to help friends in need perhaps? And I can see changes in myself since becoming a Christian. That is encouraging!

Discounting the positive: hmm, kind of what I just said.

Jumping to conclusions: I am definitely doing this. I am both predicting that God is disappointed in me AND predicting that I will fail to ever please God.

Magnification: exaggeration of the importance of problems and shortcomings or minimising the importance of the good things. Well, I am focussing closely on the fact that I don't think I am giving the whole of my life to God, rather than looking at verses like 'Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.' (Romans 8:1-2) and 'all who call on the Lord's name will be saved' (Acts 2:21).

Emotional reasoning: I am definitely doing this - feeling guilty and therefore assuming that I must be guilty.

'Should' statements: I should be doing this, I shouldn't be doing that. Hmm, difficult one. I think the Bible is clear that there are things we should and shouldn't do...

Labelling: instead of saying 'I made a mistake', you attach a negative label to yourself: 'I'm a failure'. Human beings exist, but 'fools', 'failures' and 'losers' do not. I suppose you could then say that calling myself a terrible person is not helpful, rather a person who sometimes/often fails, like every other human being on the planet. But by the precious blood of Jesus I am redeemed. I am a child of the one true King. I am loved.

Personalisation or blame: this is when you hold yourself/another responsible for an event that isn't entirely under your/their control. I suppose I am doing this by thinking I am lazy when actually I do suffer from depression. That doesn't mean I never act in a lazy way but I think I am perhaps being too hard on myself. Maybe? I'm not sure...

Well, whether that was a particularly helpful example or not, I am unsure. I think looking at truths in the Bible is probably a more useful way to combat this current stress. However, as I said above, this is all good practice for identifying faulty thoughts.

So, some useful verses would be:
Romans 10:9-10, "That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved."
John 3:16, "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."

Once I had arrived in Norwich, everything felt like a bit too much. I was stressed about cleanliness because of the dogs. I felt like some people didn't like me or weren't impressed by me being around... I scurried away and got ready for bed as soon as I could but then Jemima invited me to watch TV with her. I thought that would be good for not feeling left out. It was quite pleasant in the end.

I am stressed about working. I am stressed about (not) pleasing God. And I am stressed about H not liking me. I feel slightly overwhelmed by the fact I am apparently on the cooking rota for tomorrow. It's ok though as I am with Jemima. Should be alright...