Day 19

Well I got myself into more and more of a state last night and resultantly, didn't want to wake up this morning. I felt rubbish and really guilt ridden. I felt like I must be going so against God and that I should be forcing myself to do something useful.

In the end, at midday, I got up and went to tell my dad I would go for the walk. I decided it couldn't be that bad. I felt slightly better for making this decision but I wasn't very happy generally though and had to be inane and mess around to mask the fact I felt so vulnerable. I keep having to remind myself that it wouldn't actually be a bad thing to let my family in but for some reason I keep putting this shield up. Lucy said that it would be good to be more open with my mum in particular. I did manage to do a bit better with her but maybe I am now going backwards? I'm not sure. I really don't want to tell her how I feel though. I don't know why. I should work on this.

Anyway, I went for the walk. It was OK. I worried about stuff a fair amount but some of it was quite pleasant. Until the end when I began to get pretty low. I couldn't wait to be by myself and I hurried to lock myself in the bath upon our return. It probably didn't help that my body hurt from the walk and I had got a soaking foot from the flooded road we had had to walk down!

Ever since I have been feeling pretty stressed and low as I worry about whether I should be working and where my life is going. And death. And letting God down. And argh.

A week or so ago (following a job related stress) I signed up to a website that advertises tutors. It also asked if I would be up for nannying. Why not, I thought. Anyway, I was actually contacted by someone wanting a full time nanny. I did at least have enough sense to say I would only be able to do a couple of days a week but I am stressed about the whole thing. I don't want to do it. I'm also not sure that I can manage that. I don't know. Maybe I am just being lazy... Cue: lots of stress and feeling rubbish.

I think being a nanny could be quite physical and I might struggle OCD-wise with nappies and stuff. And I struggle to get through crèche for less than two hours. Actually, this is reassuring. I think it would be sensible to say no.

I think I probably should focus really hard on trying to do the full amount of volunteering I have said I would aim for. I think that is probably the most sensible thing. I still worry though. Argh.