Fight or flight

It's one or the other.
I guess I am going to fight, because I am not giving in again.

Today saw the return to the GP.
You don't need to read any further if you don't want - I am returning to my journal being a record for me, as it proved to be so useful over the previous decline and journey towards the last surgery.

The last 6 weeks have been a fairly rapid decline into similar (but not completely the same) levels of pain as prior to this year's major surgery in March. I am experiencing lower back pain and a return to the persistent abdominal pain on the left hand side. Unlike previously though it is not AS BAD during the day, but by 8 - 9 pm, it is really sore and by 11pm (i.e. now) it is like my left kidney has been repeatedly punched and the left side of my abdomen is being alternately stabbed and then twisted, over and over.

To add insult to the (metaphorical) injury, my bladder is (at best) overactive. To be honest, it's behaving in the most peculiar and inconvenient fashion, waking me up during the night, stopping me from sleeping on either side and causing me to take over an hour to actually settle to sleep.

I am shattered before I even start my day - so yes, it is a bloody miracle that I am still smiling and getting on with my day, although I am being sorely pushed at the moment.

My success with GPs has not been great - partly because our surgery seems to go through them at a fair old rate. In the past 5 years I have been assigned 4 different GPs, all of whom have left at different points to do different things. Each at a point where I have established history, started a process and then been left to re-establish the relationship. That's fine, people move on. My last GP was an angel and I was devastated to find that she would be leaving but I was confident that all would be well, as I had had my surgery and I was surely fixed. Surely???

My new GP has inspired me with confidence in her. She listened, examined, did a couple of quick tests, arranged some others to add on to the blood tests that were already scheduled for tomorrow. We talked about ruling some things out and trying to identify any aggravating factors. From Saturday morning I have to do a week of no caffeine AND of monitoring my fluid intake, output and frequency of output...that could be very entertaining at work!!!

So that's positive in terms of being listened to.

But, the reality is a bit more brutal and although I had already contemplated this, I had been adopting my favourite Ostrich pose - bury my head - but when my new GP has listened carefully and clearly has a bit of understanding and then leaned in sympathetically and said "You know what actually might be happening don't you?" I had to remove my head from it's hidey hole.

The reality is this...
They left one solitary ovary in.
There was a balancing act in making that decision - take it away, early menopause - potential complications further down the line for me. Leave it in - potentially allow redevelopment of my disease IF every little last bit of it wasn't removed.

"But my consultant assured me that he had got everything!"

"No one can know that for certain" she replied..."and the only way to find out is to go back in again for another look..."

So, it turns out I might not be fixed.

I am praying that it's an infection - that can be fixed.

If it's not, there will be no scans - just a straight referral for another laparoscopy. I don't know if I am ready for yet another surgery.

For now - pain management and back onto my previous regime of high impact prescription painkillers.

Woop de doo dah!