Remembrance

At my weekly yoga class this morning our teacher asked us, as she usually does, to check in with ourselves how our mind, body and heart were. It made me realise why I'd nearly skipped the class.
Mind: worry - will I get the apple tree planted before I go away on Monday and will a newly-planted tree survive without oversight?
Body: still utterly exhausted from yesterday's exertions. I'm not in pain - I was very careful to protect my back - but drained.
Heart: oh, heavy... It's the funeral today of a close friend of Firstborn's, Chris, whom Firstborn met at primary school and who died 3½ weeks ago in a freak accident while on holiday in Brazil. I didn't know him well but had a good chat with him when I was in Bristol just before Christmas.

The weekend I was last in Bristol, a few days after Chris died, I took myself home early so Firstborn could go to a huge gathering of Chris's friends on what would have been his 36th birthday.

After a lot of thought, I decided not to go to today's funeral or wake. Firstborn and his partner, A, arrived at mine this morning as they are staying with me tonight. A had brought rosemary from their garden which at some level she must have known was for remembrance, though she said she didn't. Firstborn went out to buy some flowers, I provided the paper and ribbon and when A saw how subdued I was, she picked rosemary, bay and thyme from my garden to add my presence to the bouquet she was making.

It is unbearable. My heavy heart this evening is with everyone whose child has died - and there are too many of you...