New starts

The new start I promised myself, relating to work, went quite well. Up at 6:30am, having set an alarm for the first time. The idea is so much that I will wake up and leap out of bed invigorated at the prospect of another day of life, but that the hideous ineptitude and nauseating voice of Hallie Cotnam, CBC’s “Ottawa Morning” presenter, will force me out of bed. It worked perfectly. I am pleased to report, having listened to the first five minutes of her drivel post-6:30 mews, that she has not changed. She is still incapable of modulating her voice, of remaining on topic, and of not giggling inanely when she is presented with a difficult word. I am not sure whether it is her blandness or inanity that irritate me the most. In fact, she really is a leitmotif for this city at times: smug, inward looking, and hopeless. She is the female equivalent of John Candy’s character, Del Griffith, in Planes, Trains & Automobiles. The reason why the movie wasn’t an Oscar-winning success – despite being a brilliant film – is because deep down everyone sympathises with Steve Martin’s character, Neal Page. Hallie Cotnam is Del Griffith. She is an enema for my niceness. But she does get me out of bed faster than the sensation of an arriving fart the morning after a vindaloo.

Mrs. Ottawacker says I am obsessed. Maybe I am. The rest of the day was much nicer, thank you very much. Managed to send back the scanner, via Canada Post.