Dystopia Warning (Obviously)

My Dear Princess and Dear Fellow,

The last time the UK had an election I was not there. I tried to pretend it was not happening but was very depressed about it all the same.

And after our last depressing election result and under the shadow of the return of the Orange Apath, politics have been dark lately. 

But not in the UK! I've been having a WHALE of a time following your election campaign! It's like "The Thick of It" crossed with an episode of "The New Statesman". 

IT'S THE BEST COMEDY ELECTION EVER

From the rainy announcement with "Things Can Only Get Better" playing in the background to the exploits of Ed Davey, your election is a HOOT. 

Princess, I'm sure you are sick of it. Having to experience it on the news everyday. But for me, I just get to dip in and out going, "He said WHAT now?" and "You're kidding! They actually BET on that?!?" and "HOW many seats???"

The clips I saw from Question Time were GLORIOUS. How I wish all of them - Boris, Liz, Jacob, Suella et al had been made to do a sesh with the angry British public. I almost felt sorry for Rishi.

Almost.

However, due to Phil - a dour Yorkshireman on YouTube - and Supertanskiii - an extremely sweary woman on all social media platforms - I've been mostly* keeping up with the scandals and the thievery over the past 5 years. And this moderated my sympathy for Rishi. Eliminated it, in fact. 

Tanskiii has an extensive range of obscene gestures and tends to open all of her videos with the line, "Dystopia warning... Obviously...." 

Oh and of course there's Vorders. My dear fellow, you may remember how much I loved her in the 1990's, but I love 21st century Vorders even more. 

Therefore I am - if you like - doom-scrolling - even HATE-scrolling this election. I do not care if the result is 1997-like (which I'm told would be a relief for the Tories) or a Canada 1993 wipeout (which would be way funnier). I just want to watch them SQUISHED (electorally). 

And that's the benefit of being on the other side of the planet. For me, I'll be able to watch it in real-time from about noon onwards on the 5th.

Therefore, I've downloaded a whole bunch of data from Electoral Calculus and put it into a spreadsheet. 

(I'm a Data Analyst. It's what we do). 

And on the afternoon of the 5th I shall fill in the "ACTUAL RESULT" column using my red crayon which will be a NUB by the evening. And I may take a shot for every craven, corrupt Conservative that loses its seat. And I shall also be a NUB by the evening.

Fingers and toes are crossed for Jeremy, James, Penny, Liz, Jacob and maybe even Rishi to lose their seats. I'll be waiting... watching... with my red crayon... 

It is unfortunate that I may need to retain my blue crayon for Priti, Suella and Kemi. Sadly, my light-blue may also get a workout in Clacton. It annoys me that Raab and Gove have been allowed to jump ship too. It means I don't get to see them cry in a sports hall at 3am. 

However, these are but small annoyances. I shall still get to rub my hands together with glee when Robert Jenrick's number comes up.

It's petty and mean-spirited of me, I know. But one must take one's pleasures where one can. 

And as Tanskiii would say (with a gesture), "**** the lot of them".

S. 

* It's been tough. There have been a lot of them.