829 day of war

Hello friends!
This week I realized that I needed to do something because my condition had significantly worsened. I started worrying a lot, and panic attacks often arose without reason, making it difficult to sleep as I constantly woke up and couldn't fall back asleep.

I thought a lot about what scares me, and perhaps it's the current lack of certainty about the future. Every day could be a turning point leading to a completely different life. I consulted with a doctor friend, who said that for people with autism spectrum disorders, any change in the usual routine is a significant stress. I agree with this and think I should prepare for changes and try to socialize again.

I was prescribed mild tranquilizers that helped me from the first day. I was finally able to sleep normally, and the constant tension in my chest disappeared. I was also advised to see a psychiatrist for more comprehensive treatment and psychotherapy, but I'm not ready for that yet. I think I might go later when I gather the strength and money.

Meanwhile, life gave me another opportunity for socialization. In different cities, there are yoga groups that gather for collective meditations. In the city where I am, we also formed a group, but besides me, there were no practitioners, so we didn't gather. Recently, people in the group expressed a desire to hold the first collective meditation in the city, and they asked me, as someone with the most experience (although it seems strange to me because I have no experience organizing such events), to lead the collective meditation.

My initial reaction was typical: I read the message, closed it, and thought I would never do it. But after some thought and calming down, I decided to try. I figured the worst that could happen is I embarrass myself in front of strangers, and if that happens, I simply won't see them again, and everything will be fine.

It was indeed very stressful for me. The collective meditation consists of a dynamic meditation, where we chant a mantra and dance to prepare for the meditation, and a static part, where we just sit and meditate in silence. I had never performed for people and never sang in public. This was the scariest part for me. Moreover, I didn't even know if I could sing. So, I practiced every day for almost a week, and the day before the meeting, I asked Nastya to help me. The idea was for me to sing while she watched me, which would make me feel awkward and make mistakes, but this would help me face and overcome my fears of public performance. It really did help, and I was able to understand what I would feel during the performance and how to cope with it.

On the day we gathered, it was raining. I took my guitar, got on my bike, and went to the meeting place, hoping no one would come. But people came, and there were five of us! Though I was shaking with fear, I tried to act confidently and imagine that no one was around, no one thought badly of me, and everything was fine.

I was once again convinced that fear dissipates only through action. It was hard to start, but once you begin singing, it gets easier and easier. At some moments, I didn't think about anything and felt relaxed and comfortable.

Overall, I can say that I successfully conducted the first collective meditation. People were satisfied and said that I sang well and they enjoyed it. After the meditation, we chatted and got to know each other. I mostly listened and said little, but I think over time I will get used to these people and open up a bit more.

Although it was a rather exhausting event and I felt tired the next day, I am glad that I overcame my fears and did something useful for people. It also helped distract me from thoughts about mobilization and other problems. I think I need to mentally prepare for the fact that my time will come, but I have no desire to go to the military enlistment office voluntarily.

In our country, the shelling of the energy system continues, leading to additional electricity outage schedules, and starting today, electricity tariffs have doubled. Last year, they also doubled. The trend is not good, but understandable, as everyone sees how power plants are being destroyed daily and how they are being repaired around the clock.

The front is also uneasy. Although there is much talk about peace negotiations, it doesn't seem possible to me. Russia won't leave the occupied territories, and our government won't recognize the annexation. It looks like a dead end leading only to continued fighting, and I can't even imagine how this could end. It seems that the resolution is still far away, and there is no belief that the end will come soon. But there is hope that we will still be able to see it and peace will return to this land.

Thank you all for your support! This is a difficult time for us and for the country, and I am glad we are not alone. Also, many thanks for the support on buymeacoffee, it helps a lot.