Run, baby, run

Sports Day

I hate sports day. I hated it throughout my childhood. I used to wish it would pour with rain every sports day when I was at school so sports day would be cancelled. I hated PE lessons, I hated sports clothes, I hated competition.
I still do.

Now after 18 years as a parent, I have been to countless sports days - and missed a few, and I hate them as much as ever... probably more so. I can't deal with the social/parent thing either. I'm absolutely rubbish at it. I go for the sake of our children, but it's one of the hardest days of the year for me. I know that I will come across as grumpy/unsociable/rude and I'm quite convinced after today that I have. My anxiety and social phobias and perhaps agoraphobia (?) mean that I clock-watch and look for an exit the whole time.

Our kids' sports days experiences have, I think, been pretty mellow and pleasant for them, and I think they will be growing up feeling pretty relaxed about the whole thing. None of them is particularly competitive, but I don't think they've been scared off sport the way I have. The emphasis on having fun has been greater for them and I think that makes all the difference.

As a youngster I was extremely fit and healthy: thin, strong, long-legged with bags of stamina, and fast, but I didn't have any interest in beating anyone - I really didn't see the point. But sport and PE were always about competition and I hated it.

Tess looked a little as if she was in her own world today. I recognised that look of dreaminess. I think it probably isn't as dreamy as it looks. For people like us, being surrounded by a lot of people is exhausting. I don't fire on all social cylinders and I don't think my kids do either. It can give people the wrong impression of us.

Knowing that it was sports day today meant that I started worrying on Wednesday. By this morning, I was getting fairly anxious. There's no point telling anyone I'm feeling anxious because they tell me I don't need to feel anxious - there's nothing to be anxious about.
I KNOW!
The problem with being an anxious person is not convincing yourself there's nothing to be worried about. It's more to do with convincing the world that you want to do things that don't make you feel anxious.

People want you to fit.

They want to fix you.

I'm not broken.

My children are not broken.

They are lovely.