Email from Caro: San Francisco

So, we're in San Fran and everybody has an attitude. Seriously.  People dress cool, talk cool (I actually heard someone saying in conversation "You a bad-ass muthafuckah!"), walk cool and talk to you like they're too cool.  My hackles are up, Baby.

But that’s mainly because of lack of nicotine. California is a no-smoking state.  I have been told off twice. Fascists.  Can't smoke in my hotel room, restaurants, bars, or any-bloody-where!

People desperately drag on ciggies walking up the street, and sit outside cafes smoking.  I stood outside the hotel (where they provide an ashtray) last night and got harrassed by a homeless guy, who wanted me to buy him a Cajun chicken sandwich across the road for $5.95.  When I refused, I was accused of being afraid of him 'cos he was black.  That’s when I got a bit shitty with him.  He left shortly after.

So, because I smoke, I am forced to put myself in the path of streetfreaks.  Not impressed with San Fran at this point.

Symon suggested giving up.  I nearly decapitated him.  It’s about choice.  I choose not to give up at this point.  Basically, I am hanging out for Vegas now.  Nevada and Kenny Rogers in concert and the Elvis-a-rama and Liberace museum, oh and SMOKING.

And after Jay at the Ilima Hotel in Hawaii was soooo awesome to us, taking down our birthdays, so they could send us birthday cards and trying to sell us out hotel room TV "I give you good price, Lady" in put-on Hawaiian pidgin english.  We had previously told him of our addiction to Jerry Springer.  He felt sorry for us, but seemed to know an awful lot about the show....hmmmm.

Anyway, after taking a "Limo" to the airport (Jay called it for us - see we are special), we arrived in the "city of attitude".

I just want to say, I have made a few observations about Hotel rooms:

1.  Hairdryers are always in the bathroom right next to the basin (and water?!)
2.  No curtains. Only blackout blinds and nets. Either wake up at 5.30am with the dawn.  Or sleep until you wake up, which could be three days, if you're jetlagged, because the room is pitch black.

Our room was ok, a little cramped but had a clawed-foot bath and very yummy bath products which were all earth-friendly.  Why is recylced toilet paper always brown?

My first night in San Fran had my body clock all out of kilter, so I read magazines until like 3.30am.  Then the street cleaners started at 7:14am.  I decided to invest in a sleepmask 'cos my eyes felt like big puffs of cotton wool.  7:16 am -  the rubbish trucks started and some bloke was screeching in Italian at somebody.  I considered screeching back, but Symon was sleeping.  7:39 am  - there were delivery trucks and Chinese men shouting.  I dearly wished I could leap out of bed, practice my chinese language skills and hurt somebody. 

[Fade in Carl Douglas, "Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting"]

Symon was still sleeping.

We decided to change hotels because I get a little claustrophobic and there was no air-conditioning, and I was bloody tired from all the early morning racket.  And Symon wasn't too crash hot on the area we were staying in.  Dodgy, he reckoned.  So we moved to Union Square. Wohoo!  Theatre and shopping central!

So, we've been checking out things to do in San Fran and came across these little gems:

1. Vibrator Museum 
2. Rainforest Cafe (with real rainforest inside)
3. Tonga room (restaurant with real thunderstorms and people performing on a boat in the middle of the "pacific" amongst palm trees -all inside)
4. Vampire tour of San Francisco.
5. "My Grandma's a Fat Whore From Jersey" -A play.
6. Squished Eyeball Theatre - grossly entertaining, probably like The Jim Rose Circus.

Unfortunately, we'll miss the Lesbian/Gay/Bisexual/Transgender Pride Celebration Parade, which is being advertised everywhere and looks pretty cool, with a massive programme (much like the Edinburgh Fringe Festival programme) being sold all over the city. 

But we will be here for "Travis'" free concert in the park - yay Fran! Fran! Fran! Also performing around the city are: Rod stewart, Michelle Shocked, Dido, Radiohead, Powderfinger, Stereo MC's, Dennis Quaid and the Sharks, The Mr T Experience (remember the A-team?), INXS (who's gonna sing?) and Coldplay (yawn), Mogwai, Paul Simon and Brian Wilson, Spinal Tap and Bjorn Again.  Its all goin' on.  It's hip.  It's cool. 

But it ain't smokin'.

Wandering around the city has been pretty cool - people dress really funky and anything goes. I have discovered my new favourite shop - "Urban Outiftters" - sort of Ikea meets Cult meets Diesel.  Clothes and Interiors.  Edgy.  Urban.  Cool.  Flares and wildly coloured hair (short) and trainers of any bizarre shape and colour are everywhere.  It’s a great place to strut your stuff.  But we all know there is a fine line between cool and "tryhard" cool.  It can also be seen here.  Scary Monsters.

Oh oh, we even got served by a waitress who had a mole on her chinny chin chin and badly drawn eyebrows - even when I was off my head, I could still draw them on pretty evenly and matching my hair colour, whatever that was at the time.   See, exhibit A: "tryhard" cool.

We've seen a grizzly guy wearing only socks, fly undone, butt crack, getting chucked out of shops and looking scary monsters.

The peoplewatching is incredible.  Sooo funny.  Symon was telling me the about the Disney employees and their dirty undies story, as we saw the headlines, at the newspaper stand, just as we strolling past about 30 panhandlers pausing to play chess games, before shaking the public down for "spare change". They looked like serious masters, as well.  Strategy thinkers.  Oh Yes.  Kodak moment.

And... I have spotted my car.  Anyone who can identify the make would be my new best pal.  All I know is that I have seen it in Australia, Hawaii and now San Francisco.  It’s called a "2001 PT Cruiser".  And it looks like a 50s hotrod circa American Graffiti.  Nice.

Sorry this is all disjointed but had to hurriedly put down all my jumbled San Fran thoughts before we bankrupt ourselves in the internet cafe and their "tryhard cool" prices of $18 an hour.  Still, I have a view of Alcatraz and the boats and the sea lions.  Go figure.

Going for a cigarette now,

Caro