Las Vegas

Look, we all know what Las Vegas is like.  It's on the tv, it's in films.  But NO - you have NO IDEA what it's like.  Whatever you EXPECT - it's MORE.  It will completely confound, overwhelm and astound your imagination.  
 
It certainly puts Blackpool into perspective.
 
Our bus coasted by the casinos, of which more later, and dumped us at the bus station which was as scummy as the bus itself, except immobile.  We called a taxi and stood there in the stifling heat.  Vegas in July is just bloody stupid, by the way.  We definitely got this message as Americans from San Diego and Palm Springs just LOOKED at us when we explained we would be heading there.  It reached 50 degrees centigrade while we were there.  Taxi drivers ferried us about, their cars complaining in the heat, and the drivers themselves groaned, informing us that, "It hardly EVER gets above 110!!"  (Not that this bothered us - the distinction between F*CKING HOT and REALLY F*CKING HOT being hardly noticeable to people who live in Scotland.)  
 
It was while we were waiting for our taxi to collect us, we got approached by a slight girl with a familiar accent.  It turned out she was from Edinburgh!!  She too, was feeling a bit intimidated by the neighbourhood and wanted to know if she could share our taxi.  She explained that she approached us because we looked English.
 
I was distraught.  I'd been travelling for seven BLOODY months and STILL I looked English???!!!  I'd been going for the International Man of Mystery look and NO-ONE NOTICED.  Most distressing.
 
Anyway, it was lovely to hear a Scottish accent again, and so of course we didn't mind sharing a taxi with her.  We dropped her off at the Hilton and then went to the MGM Grand.  This is one of the rather more subdued of the Vegas hotels in that it does actually resemble a hotel.  Still, our jaws dropped as we pushed through the doors and entered a huge marble lobby, with as many check-in desks as you would get in a decent sized airport.  The whole area was lit up with a myriad of lights and centred around a massive golden Leo the Lion from the MGM logo.  We checked in and navigated our way to the lifts, though a bombardment of sound and light from the slot machines that surrounded us.  We were on the 20th floor and emerged from the lift to a corridor that seemed to go on forever.  
 
So we were pretty much over-awed, gobsmacked and shagged out by the time we reached our hotel room.  We collapsed onto our beds and resolved never to travel by bus again.  And to watch as much telly as possible at the earliest eventuality.  Our room continued the MGM Theme by having pictures of Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman on the wall, along with Some Other Famous Bint.  The room itself was big, and very nicely done out with a grand view over Las Vegas, the airport on one side, the Stratosphere casino on the other and the mountains in the middle.  
 
Unfortunately we couldn't laze about forever due to hunger pangs.  Quite frankly, it's the only thing that keeps me mobile most days.  I can't wait until I'm of an age when they hook up an IV and a colostomy bag, so that I can finally get some decent rest.  Caro and I wandered down to the Food Area, which took some considerable time.  The MGM, like all the casinos, is cavernous inside, and you wander from one area of unreality to another for what seems like MILES.  It's like a huge film set as you check out the various fancy restaurants and shops that go on and on and on.  Past indoor theatres, huge tv screens, bands performing, a lion enclosure, rows of cashiers giving change, groups of people whooping at craps tables, lights flashing, scary women squeezed into tiny costumes offering drinks, tubby tourists with squawking children, a lion enclosure, bands performing, huge tv screens, indoor theatres...
 
A LION ENCLOSURE?  Hang on - we've been down here before!  Where the hell is McDonalds!?
 
Oh - ok - right - you go PAST the lion enclosure, THROUGH the craps tables, RIGHT at the scary women and then take the left toin at Albequoikee.
 
Half an hour, and several miles later, we found McD's.  We went through this same debacle every time we ventured into the casino.  I think they switch the signs around when you're not looking on purpose, so that you HAVE to go through the slots over and over again.
 
And then there's the NOISE.  Let me describe it to you.
 
• First of all, imagine the constant doo doo DOO doo doo DOO tuneless ditty that all slot machines constantly repeat.
• Now imagine the continual chatter of the people:  "...Ellen!  Come lookit this!...  didn't think it would be so HOT here...  is this your first time...  did David go...  would you like some...  oh, I loved it - you HAVE to go...  who would have thought...  ya know what I'm SAY-in...  wait a minute, this is the indoor theatre - where the hell is McDonald's???..."
• Now imagine the constant CONSTANT jingle of change as it drops into the slot machine hoppers, or back into the slots, or rattles around in the little plastic buckets they give you.
• Now imagine The Backstreet Boys or Britney singing in the background.
• Now imagine announcers constantly repeating on tv screens, "Paul Anka could give lessons in Showmanship...  EFX starring Rick Springfield will BLOW YOU AWAY...  La Femme - a French Sensation since 1951..."
 
Now imagine all of the above ALL AT ONCE and backed by THIS noise:  
DING-DING-DING-DING-DING-DING-DING-DING-DING-DING!!
 
That's what Las Vegas sounds like.  Are you insane yet?
 
Insanity.  It's the only way you can explain Las Vegas.  I'm not a gambler.  That's fair enough, but I can't even understand it.  As we wandered about, we could see all these people feeding coin after coin after coin into the machines.  I could understand it a little better if you got, a 5 minute game for this, but NO - you put in a quarter in and IT DISAPPEARS.  In ONE second.  End of game.  I don't get it.  Plus most of the machines weren't quarter machines, but demanded a dollar a go.  You couldn't half shovel some change into those things if you spent an afternoon at it.  This is what has created a city in the desert.  A city with so many neon lights, flashing billboards, fairylights and gigantic tv screens that they are visible from SPACE. 
 
(Note:  If you're epileptic, do NOT go to Las Vegas.)
 
Not that I'm complaining.  I thought it was great fun.  Las Vegas is as constantly exciting as it is noisy and induces thrills that are at least twice as big as the migraine you'll undoubtedly have tomorrow.  Just that while I can appreciate the grandeur and the excess, I can't understand the appeal of slots as I stood around watching all those losers feeding those thousands of machines.  Hundreds and thousands of losers.  So many losers in fact, that they are visible from SPACE.