THE SCENE: SUNDAY AFTERNOON IN LEITH

I am going through drawers and cupboards, throwing stuff out.
Caro and Lisa are observing from the couch.

OUT with all my baking equipment!
OUT with all the wires to things that I don’t know what they are for!
OUT with that jar of marmalade that I have no idea why I bought it in the first place!

LISA: "You’re throwing out cake tins? Do you KNOW how much those cost in New Zealand???"

In case you didn’t know, and according to Lisa, everything costs THOUSANDS of dollars in New Zealand. Including cake tins, tea-towels, and packets of noodles.

After Lisa had left, and five dustbin bags full of stuff thrown out later, Caro asked an innocent question.

“Are you scared at the thought of going to New Zealand?”

I’m totally not, I said.

But I know enough about Caro to know that it wasn’t really a question, more of a statement.

Uh-oh.

Long discussion later:

I’m not sure when/if we are going anymore.

All I can do (I said) is get us into the position where we COULD go, which is what I’m doing.

But the decision on whether we go needs to be hers, as it’s her family we’d be going back for.

Also, she needs to break the news to Fiona, who just got a tattoo that says “Believe” to encourage Caro to come home.

I’m not kidding.

So that’s how things are right now.

I’m kind of in a state of “oh.”

I’m not sure what the plan is anymore and well, you know me and plans – it is driving me bonkers.

Also – I just effing threw out ALL OF MY BAKING STUFF.

God-dammit.

p.s. Caro reserves the right to 180-degree change her mind again tomorrow with no warning because of oestrogen.

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Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Yes, that is sort of how I feel.

Why is she unsure?

Actually, lots of good reasons and when I re-read my email it sounds more annoyed and bitchy than I meant it to.

She’s mainly concerned about money and that just as we’ve got ourselves into a decent place financially we’re going to sabotage ourselves by moving to one of the most expensive parts of one of the most expensive countries in the world.

Also, she knows her dad doesn’t really want to go back either and she worries about him.

She’s also worried about all the things she will miss and the access to stuff that being in Edinburgh gives her.

Finally, I think she’s concerned that she won’t fit back in to small-town NZ.

I kind of take her point, I’m not sure how much she has in common with her old mates anymore.

Birds are mental. I know that. I am a bird.


This is why we love you! Even though men are never ever mental and not at all controlled by our willies.

I can’t believe you threw out your baking stuff. I would have found a home for it.

Fiona could always have her tattoo prefixed with “I no longer”

I would get a slap if I suggested this.


You do it.

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I doubt there was anything in there you didn’t already have, plus it was mainly bags of caster sugar, left-over fondant and stuff like that.

Anyway, it’s been ages since we hooked up. We can do that without it being a movie night.

This is true. As you know I am nearly always available all the time, except Tuesday nights which is now my night for having Reg put me in awkward positions while reminding me to “breathe.”

It’s strange. Everyone else just follows his instructions but I find myself sweating like a bstard and feeling utterly worn out.


Then Reg stands at the front and says things like, “How are we feeling? A little warmer?” and I think LOOK at me. JUST LOOK.


My cheeks are the colour of a baboon’s backside. OF COURSE I AM EFFING WARMER.


Today I am making old-bstard aaaargh noises every time I need to move.
People are starting to look.

But I digress.

When would you like to go out? I will check for Lisa availability although I don’t hold out much hope.

Also, I do not know where to go.

Is Negociants still good? Is it still THERE?

I used to love that place but am not sure I have actually been there this century.

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I feel for Caro, I know she must want to be near her mum and sister.

It’s quite inconvenient that NZ is on the other side of the planet.

Part of this will inevitably be cold feet which would happen no matter how sure you were about moving.


You still shouldn’t have chucked out your baking stuff.

I would have used it.

There are starving children in Africa.
Money doesn’t grow on trees.
(and several more old people sayings)

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Yes, I understand Caro’s concerns too.

I think she does actually still want to go, but I think it will take another holiday in NZ to push her to do it.

So, to get back to the original point:


we’re not leaving in July.

Or even this year.

So we can meet for drinks/food whenever you like.

I have been sublimating my desire to plan by planning a holiday.
I’m thinking of catching an overnight train to Venice which I think would be cool.

Maybe there will even be a murder onboard and me and Caro could solve it.

I can’t tell you how much I would love that.

I have to throw stuff out.


Utter ruthlessness is essential if you want to do something as dramatic as emigrating to another country or moving to Stockbridge.

The next 2 Thursdays are fine with me.

I will drop Lisa a note to see what’s going on with her.



p.s. Did you see that picture of a weasel riding on a woodpecker?
I just came out of a meeting where everyone was talking about it.
Google weasel and woodpecker if you have missed out so far.