TAKE THAT, you naughty bicycle thieves!

 A few days ago, a poster in the bicycle shed at the Repair Factory caught my eye. An Garda Siochana would be visiting our campus on Thursday 7th September. As part of their bicycle theft prevention campaign, they were offering free bicycle engraving services and registration of a unique immatriculation code in their national database. 
I really liked the sound of that. I was sold. 

So obviously this morning I was one of the first ones to look for them on campus. 
I did spot a bearded (they are allowed facial hair now) Gard with high-vis vest and cycling shorts busying himself on a nurse's electric folding bike. I was on the right track. "Do I need to bring papers for the bike, proof of ownership or receipt?" says I. He looked quite surprised. "No, no need, just bring the bike". "That great" I replied "I'm just off to nick a really expensive bike and have it engraved as mine for life!" The nurse found this quite funny, the Gard a good bit less so. "I'm kidding, I'm going to get my bike, see you in 2 minutes" 
When I came back he was busy with the engraving machine and talking quietly, if not apologetically, with the nurse. I thought I heard something about an Eircode. 
Soon it was my turn. (I am pretty sure that eager-nurse-with-the-Brompton was #1 and I was #2). 
"Now" he started, slightly sheepishly "I am afraid there is a slight change of plan. We don't quite have the national database ready yet..."
"Oh" I said "I see. I guess you are going to engrave my unique registration number and I will have to follow up with you guys in the coming weeks and provide my details to associate with the reg" 
"Not quite" was his answer. "We're not actually sure if we will get a national database. But we are proposing a workaround. If it's ok with you, I will engrave your Eircode on your bike, on a discreet spot, and that way if it is stolen and found, we have an address associated with the bike" 
"Yes, sure". I have always been a fan of workarounds, and solution-orientated thinking. "Please go ahead".
"Now" says he, "I must warn you, I am not exactly computer savvy. Can you please give me your Eircode?"
I gave it to him and he started punching it on the screen, and pressed a few arrows, rather expectantly (as opposed to confidently) and then the enter key. Twice (with a far greater amount of pressure the second time). 
"Erm... I'm getting an error message"
No shit Sherlock (thought I, rather than said out loud) 
"I had the same problem the last time" he continued, "can you give me your Eircode again". 
And he tried again, twice, the same sequence of inputs, and got the same error message, twice. As he tried a third time (in fairness, by this time he had memorised my Eircode, fair play to him!), he got the same error message. And on the next line on the display, below the error message, one word: EIRCODE 
"That's what happened the last time, I'd have to ring my Sergeant" 
When he saw the disappointment in my little helpless eyes, he suggested "I can engrave the word EIRCODE on your bike. It will be unique to you"
I wasn't going to be fooled that easily "But isn't it what you've just engraved on the nurse's bike? It doesn't seem all that unique to me if two of us already have EIRCODE engraved on our bikes..." 
"I know, but you see, like, there are dozens of Giant black bikes for example. Really. We get dozens of calls from guys who tell us that they've had their bike stolen. And all they can tell us is that it is a black Giant bike. At least, if you have EIRCODE engraved on it, it is a distinguishing feature". 
I knew that he was clutching at straws at that stage, that he would do anything, say anything to have me out of his (scarce) hair. 
I took pity on him. 
"Yes, sure, please engrave EIRCODE on my bike frame".
And he did. And he seemed to be kind of proud and mostly relieved at the same time. 
And I think I managed the look of someone who is grateful. 

So now I have a near invisible EIRCODE engraved on the frame of my black (and orange) Voodoo. I do not have a Giant. 

And right now, there must be dozens of bicycle thieves in Dublin 8 shitting themselves at the thought of ever nicking a bike with EIRCODE engraved on it...