Woof!

Archibald McStake woke up, as he so usually did these days, on his left side. It left him with a crunching pain in his lower back all day but what could he do about it? He had once tied one of his mothers belts, a huge woman, around his left arm & to the side of the bed to keep him on his right side. It had worked to a point until he had fallen out of bed and knocked himself unconscious. The explanation to the police in hospital later had not been well received and they had placed him on their 'to be watched' list. Archie had laughed at this. Surely half of the town were on this same list!

Anyhow today was a special day. He was to be wedded to his childhood blushing sweetheart, Amie McLicious. In a recent surprising turn of events Amie's husband had been shot dead by the local butcher in an argument over what represented a horse, leaving the unfortunate Amie and her 12 children penniless. Amie was a rare beauty, her hair like that of an extinct bird, her complexion like that of the back of an oil of Olay jar.

Archie had fancied her forever often remembering fondly the time at school when she had leaned forward to pick up her dropped hamster and she had given him a full reveal of her pink BHS pants. They were 15 then and it had only taken him 30 years to catch his beloved with the well timed offer of love and lodgings in his family castle. She had almost quite literally snapped his hand off and the doctor had said Archie had been very lucky not to lose a few fingers. Still time had healed both his hand and the memory and here, on this special day, Archie looked forward to the wedding of his dreams.

All 12 children were to be bridesmaids despite the fact that 5 of them were boys. Amie was very insistent on this point as she didn't want any of them to miss out on this society wedding. The Society magazines 'Ayup' and 'Alright' were there in force and soon enough all were there in front of The Lord declaring their undying love. Archie's mother was so proud, munching loudly on M&S top range eclairs from the front row as the camera crew gave her 'please eat quietly' looks. She was oblivious to them and could only revel in the joys of 100% thick cream and thick Belgium chocolate as it made its way down her huge gullet and made her joy complete.

Later , much later, around two in the morning in fact, after the ceremony had long since finished, the evening party complete and each of the 12 bridesmaids put safely to bed, Archie got to see Amie for the first time in the buff and he was not disappointed. A rare beauty to behold and only the full back tattoo of an antelope in a dress that he decided he would ask about at another time so as not to spoil the moment, slightly affecting the moment. They went at it like sex mad rabbits for at least 5 minutes before tiredness overcame them and a trip to Bedfordshire ensued.

Archie lay there, a big grin on his sleeping chops. Amie had at last landed in his lap.

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