A bird in the hand

Last night, whilst shooting the breeze with a high calibre swiss machine gun stolen from a Greek taxi driver called Adelphi, Captain Fartherbottom regretted not checking his underpants drawer earlier in the day. By the time he got to it, the only pair of pants free and clean where his thick pile corduroy pair in deep beige, bought by his Aunty Gertrude @ the Christmas before last. The night air was warmer than he had anticipated and as a result the thick pants were causing his nuts to overheat to dangerous levels.

In an effort to find relief, Captain Fartherbottom dropped his trousers and corduroy pants that were now an ever darker shade of beige, to allow the night air to provide relief of a depth that he had not felt since seeing the very annoying Private Manworthy mistake sleeping pills for mints. He'd been out for five straight days only to awake to being completely shaven and glued to Marks & Spencer's high street window. General Havergo was not impressed.

Anyway, there was brave Captain Fartherbottom enjoying a delicious moment with his pants down, when he spotted the delectable Daughter of the General, Esmay, towelling herself down after a long hot shower in one of the open bedroom bay windows of the General's mansion.

Fartherbottom was entranced, intoxicated and in short, enflamed!

It was at this point that Sister Purity and her nuns were taking a late night prayer stroll across the barracks green when they saw Fartherbottom.

'Eeeeeek!' declared Sister Shaken, her cries alerting Fartherbottom who shrieked himself when he pulled his pants up too quickly causing a friction burn that would probably leave a mark for 5 lifetimes.

In an effort to keep his identity hidden, the Captain quickly ran into the bushes, sadly rose bushes causing further shrieks. The Captain's situation was helped by the fact that the gaggle of sisters were all hiding their faces behind their meaty hands, although Sister Handsoff kept her fingers wide apart revealing an upstanding Captain who she would be totally unable to recognise from his corduroy pants upwards .

'Well sisters,' shouted Sister Purity over the wailing sisters, 'beware the darkness of the night and the dangers of idle hands!'


Part 28 in my series on Nuns on Manoeuvre, soon to be made into feature film starring people you can guess at.......