While Time runs downstream, keep moving upstream

Unberlievable. Time is running so fast. Tomorrow it will be Saturday again. A week after M&D  arrived for their blitzvisit. What have I done in the meantime?How many walks? How many visits to Willemien? At least I wrote my journals and one important letter. But what book did I finish reading? Ok, two laundries and a lot of other cleaningjobs. But where is some progress in creative writing and sketching?
Well, I admit: this morning I followed the German Parliament. That was very interesting and so different from Dutch or American politics. Ohyes, now I remember, this afternoon I have been reading a text I happen to have written myself around 1985: „Fragment of a discourse on freedom, equality and happiness“. This contribution for an other history was meant for a research group on the constitutional principle of equality.
A very complex essay and my first contribution to a critical feminist theory of law. I feel glad to discover that I will never have to write in such a complicated style again. Always referring to other important texts I had read, citations, proving a socalled very high degree of critical intellectual and practical conciousness. Fortunately now only the authentic touch of spontaneity is the only quality of style that matters for me.
I had to engage in a long process of liberating myself from my old academic ambitions. And to trust and devellop my own capacity to express myself. Simplicity is good enough. So, in spite of not achieving any socalled important results on a targetlist, my rather meditative day  turns out as one that gave me space for refelection on my process of growth in the course of the years: from criticism to spirituality.
And that makes me feel happy in a spontaneouw and serene way. A very different style of selfesteem has grown in the course of my coming of age: No more need for social recognition, deserving the proud satisfaction of hard labour. On the contrary, I feel liberated of my old performance urge, freeer in moving around, dancing my way, muddling through. Let time have its running course downstream, I feel gratefull for finding some wisdom, moving upstream slowly, slowly.