Delayed...

Another chilly and rainy day! The children are loving being back at school, and it's been lovely to see. We've spent a lot of time outdoors, as they've been playing so happily, it seemed a shame to put a stop to it. 

I managed, with the help of a friend, to begin the task of printing three months worth of work for college that I need to put in my folder before we have to submit it. Although who know's when that will be. I got a few bits done, and I still have some more to do.

When I got home, the sun came out, and I was feeling ok, despite feeling nervous about the last session tonight. Over the week we had to write some positive words for each of our peers, email it to our tutor and then she emailed us our set for us to read before the session. Even though I'd been expecting it, it was with trepidation that I read through the lovely words. Last year I avoided it for a few weeks, and didn't open it until a few weeks later when I needed a pick me up. This time we had to choose one and talk about why it stood out to us, which meant I couldn't employ my usual strategy- avoidance!

The words were lovely, but one stood out, the word courageous. I'd never expected to hear that word, but when I thought about it, I began to consider how true that was. I have to say I've never been good at hearing the positives, and I think that's why I've spent less time re-reading the ones written for me, and I keep going back to the ones I wrote for other people. 

I love to write, and although it was harder to write about some over others- purely as I hadn't worked with them as much- I was pretty honoured to hear two people read out to our group the words that I had written for them. My friend said that she felt as though she had really helped me this year, and although I swallowed a little while they were read out, I was pleased she had received them well. I was glad that our tutor said that she too found it difficult to hear good things about herself, but she reminded us all to share it with a partner or friend, and keep re-reading them, as this will be a job that can take you to a dark place emotionally. 

A couple of ladies got quite upset tonight and cried. I'm surprised it wasn't me, as I've been dreading the ending for months, but actually, given the lockdown and everything that's happened, it doesn't really feel like it's ended yet. Last year we had our folders signed off, and the proper goodbye physically, and we walked away feeling pleased we had passed. Tonight was really 'meh' and really just felt like the end of the taught sessions. 

One thing is for sure, and that is that I will really, really miss my tutor. I have valued her help this year, looked at her as a personal example of who I'd like to be more like, and felt encouraged and valued as myself - perfectly broken, and sellotaped back together ;-) 

It was interesting that somebody else in the group asked if she could now be our therapist, and she explained that yes she could, although not if we continue at our current college. I'd wondered myself about that a few months ago, and I think everybody feels the impact that she has had upon them, and it was nice to think that I wasn't the only one who hoped that might be possible. That said, I'm not sure whether that might feel weird, or whether I could truly reveal all the brokenness of my life to her, but I think that it's nice to know it's an option. 

That's another reason I aspire for my future self to be more like her- she's a mum of three girls :-) 

She left our Zoom meeting open for us to chat, which I did, for another two hours! A few people quickly left, but I was surprised to find that I wanted to keep talking to my friends and to feel that connection. When it was down to the last five of us, we talked about interviews, and another lady, L had her interview a week or so ago, adding to myself and M. Veil of secrecy lifted, we were able to talk freely! 

It was quite nice to hear she felt hers had gone badly too, and we had a good giggle dissecting it all sharing our stories. Is it a bad thing that nobody seems to have had a good interview?! 

I came away feeling a bit sad, but mostly uplifted, as we've been a lovely group, and we are going to do a 'proper' ending with our tutor at some point, as soon as we are able. 

So that's 32 weeks of a course that has challenged me in ways I didn't think possible, made me question everything, but also encouraged and inspired me, and reaffirmed my decision to achieve my goal of becoming a qualified counsellor in years to come. 

I did it. 


* I got this card for my tutor to say thank you. Hopefully I can give it to her when I hand in my folder!