Overload

I made the mistake of deciding to stay for lunch at school today....without bringing anything more than a banana and a satsuma.... By 3pm all I could think about was food, and how much I wanted to go home!

Arrived home just after 4pm after what was supposed to be a 'short' staff meeting (FFS) and was suitably hangry! Decided to go and walk the dog even though it would have been easier to sit and relax. It felt good to get out in the fresh air, and to go on the beloved swing again. 

I've been so cold all day today, but in the sun it was warmer. I'm feeling the tiredness creep in for sure, and I'm going to bed much earlier. 

Yesterday was nicer because I felt like a part-timer, going in only for the afternoon as I had my Level 4 interview in the morning. I felt ok and not nervous until the morning, when I actually felt quite sick beforehand. When I logged into Zoom, the lady told me there were supposed to be two tutors doing it together, but the other had been called away, and did I want to reschedule... ! I didn't think I could deal with the nerves again, plus I'd just wasted half the morning and I don't know if my boss would have let me take time off again to participate. However on reflection, I think maybe I wish I had...

It was a car-crash, pretty much! I don't care any more. What I can say is that it felt quite exposing having to answer/talk about the challenges this year and what felt like personal history type-things with a stranger, and I was close to tears with a lump in my throat for some parts. Awesome. She's a counsellor, so she noticed, but I managed not to shed a tear until it was all over. I was predictably less emotive when I had to answer theory questions, but also doing it at home probably didn't help either. Not to mention I also had my stress rash on my neck....

Before we started she told me to breathe. I came away with a lump in my throat, as I tried to make some breakfast, and in a house where crying is met with unease and no acknowledgement, I decided to have a little cry or I knew I was just going to take it straight to school with me. I did feel better once I had, and eventually ate my hot cross bun and drank my tea while Little B oofed at me, wanting the scraps! 

I don't care anymore. My tutor back in December said she thought I wasn't robust enough, and I worked hard to change that, do the work and win her approval. But I think all I did was reaffirm what she originally thought, and cemented the fact that I'm not ready, and basically showed the interviewer that. I called a friend during lunch and we hashed it all over and I felt a bit better.

When I worked with my class, I felt happier, and I thought maybe I'll just throw all my energies in to this, and be happy with that. But deep down I know that that's just because it feels safe, and pushing myself to do the next course is scary, and even more so if you feel wobbly. 

In the evening I had a text from somebody else in my group, asking about the other interview we've both got next week at a different college. She asked me outright if I'd had one at our current college and I replied "yes, this morning.... car crash...", to which she replied she'd had hers last week and felt it went just as badly! I called her and we chatted for half an hour, and she said she was really glad I'd called. Having not been able to share it with anybody, it was really nice to have that shared experience. 

So I'm feeling like I've either come across as the most authentic and genuine person ever (the close-to-crying part) or I've just demonstrated that my stuff is still too close to the surface and that I am too fragile. 

I'm done.