Doorstep Visitor

Looby-Doo, and Shelle, complete with basket containing birthday presents for Little Ro, 29 today. 

A bit of a strange day. I'm done with the blue skies and high temps. I've been massively stressed this week, ever since the potential of school opening on June 1st. I tried to push it out of my mind, but it's gotten to the point where it's become all consuming, because I'm terrified I won't be 'allowed' to mix with anybody in my family, because I might 'carry' it home. Exactly the same as in March. I'm caught between a rock and a hard place, because I don't want to be fired if we do go back to work, but you can't expect someone to isolate alone and not see anybody either. Trying not to think about it. I've got to go in tomorrow for Inset, and we'll be planning how to manage it all, but even that stresses me out, just going to the building. I haven't set foot there since March! 

I did talk about it with my therapist and it helped, although the long silences on the phone always make me worry she's hung up... There is little benefit from phone therapy right now, as it's more of a 'holding' thing rather than doing the real work. But I've managed for the last 9/10 weeks so I guess I'll just have to carry on until we can sit two metres apart face to face again. Although this week I nearly expired in my car from the heat! It was 26 degrees, and even though I had the window open a teeny bit for some air, I was actually dripping by the time I'd finished. Probably more than you needed to know....

I didn't feel good today, and I felt the tears were close. I had a really good chat with a friend yesterday and felt better, but today it was back to overwhelm. In a way I didn't want to do college this evening, but I'm glad I did- I have perfect attendance ;-) 

I got my assignment back yesterday, with a lovely message from my tutor about how reflective it was, and how it was a privilege for her to be with me on my journey this year. It made my day. She said she saw a strength and determination in me that deserves to be there, and that I need to have faith. I have been very lucky to have her as my tutor this year, and I know I will really miss her when we finish.

Unfortunately the session wasn't so great as we were asked to give feedback about the selection process for the next phase. At the moment it seems to all be handled very badly, but a lot of that would be the pandemic. What has got our backs up is that they have so many applicants that they won't be able to interview us all, but worse than that, they won't even send us an email to tell us we haven't got one, we've just got to assume that if we don't hear! 

I think that's pretty poor to be honest. I don't mind no feedback, and although I'd be very disappointed not to get an interview, to hear nothing at all after filling in forms and personal statements just feels like being kicked to the curb. We had been trying to explain what they could do to make it better, and it ended up being an hour of very polite but constructive suggestion we felt. 

We did our triad sessions, but when we all met back up, our tutor looked upset, and said she was taking a step back from Level 4 stuff. It looked like she was trying not to cry which was very sad, and she ended the meeting a bit quick. I think she's got way too much on her plate, and it's sad to see somebody break.

I know she feels that as a tutor, she can't get involved as she's invested in us all, as I feel about my class. You want them all to succeed, and it's hard to manage disappointment if it doesn't go their way. So a bit of a sad end to the night but a reminder that we're all human and things can get too much. 

I hope she's ok.