Number 1 priority

Me.

I feel so poorly.

My apologies...what follows is an inward looking, moany, negative blip. Don't read any further if you don't feel the urge!

Corin has been gently forceful in trying to get me to accept that I am ill. That I have a disease which has caused some horrible side effects which routinely destroy my ability to do the simplest of things.

I am beyond exhausted, but I haven't done anything to speak of. My exhaustion drains me beyond belief, yet I find it impossible to sleep. The pain makes me want to cry, unrelentingly, but I cannot let myself. I talk of this, of how I feel, but really, no-one knows, because it is my personal torment.

I know that so many people at least understand, even if they don't know. My frustration lies with some who clearly do not understand, who want things from me that are not my priority. It upsets me that some people don't get that I can only just manage to bumble through my day with basic things getting done. In a few days I will bumble through and cope with my job as best as I can, knowing that I have amazing people around me to support me. Until I get my date through.

In the meantime, I have to see my doctor and be honest about pain, lack of sleep, my emotional health and accept any help I can get. That is quite a lot to ask of me, because it feels like I am admitting defeat, but I think I really have to. I am tormented by having to accept that I am struggling emotionally because I fear that is weak of me. Maybe it is actually stronger of me to admit than to deny?

I have so much I want to do. None of it is going to happen. I am worried that people will take advantage of my inability to cope, or will criticise, or maybe forget that normally I do so much more than I should...and that cutting me some slack will result in bad feeling and a sense that really, I am no good, letting people down.

2013 IS going to be the year I get myself back, but I think I am going to fall further before I am able to find a decent ledge from which I can start the climb back up to my normal point of view.