A Pause with Mr. Claus

It is 11:03 p.m., and we just prepared our famous scrambled egg casserole to put in the oven tomorrow. Our kids came over to open presents, and...just by chance...I slipped out the back door to grab something...and encountered Santa making his Christmas Eve rounds. I have had a couple of questions for him for a l-o-n-g time. He told me to ask away.

ME: "Which of the reindeer is your favorite?"

SANTA: "Let me run them down for you. Dasher is fast, so fast that sometimes he gets out of control. Keep it on the down-low...but he is the one who ran over the grandma in that other song. HE JUST WOULDN'T STOP! Dancer isn't my favorite because reindeer don't dance. The movie Prancer ruined Prancer as my favorite. Such a tear-jerker. Comet reminds me of a cleanser we use in the kitchen, and when I say the name Cupid...I think of that little dude who wants to shoot me with an arrow. Donner reminds me of the Donner Pass tragedy, and Blitzen reminds me of football...something we don't play up in the North Pole."

ME: "That's only seven. Who's left?"

SANTA: "Well, don't tell Rudolph...but I find him to be kind of a showboat. One lousy foggy Christmas Eve...and he SAVES THE DAY! Believe me...he NEVER lets us forget it. Which leaves my favorite...Vixen...the only female reindeer.

ME: "Why is Vixen your favorite?"

SANTA: " Well buddy, it's a name that I occasionally call Mrs. Claus...you know what I'm saying? (Wink, wink.)

ME: "Yes, I do. One more question. What do you think about all of the Christmas music out there? Give me your top five, and your bottom five."

SANTA: "I like most (but not all) of the churchy type Christmas songs. Silent Night, Away in a Manger, Go Tell it on the Mountain, etc., etc. Also, I like White Christmas by Bing Crosby, the Christmas Song by Nat King Cole, and anything by Josh Groban. What a voice."

ME: " How about your worst songs?"

SANTA: " Oh my! I don't think you (or I) have enough time for that list!"

ME: "C'mon, give me something."

SANTA: "OK, the already mentioned Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer, (just because it would indict Dasher), I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus by the Jackson Five (it makes me spit up a little in my mouth), The Twelve Days of Christmas (it's about 9 days TOO LONG), Santa Claus is Coming to Town by Bruce Springsteen (I like the Boss, but he should have been demoted for that one), and anything by Mariah Carey (I mean, she's easy on the eyes...BUT DON'T SCREAM AT ME!)  I saved the worst Christmas song for the last. Silent Night by Michael Bolton. (Why didn't he just follow the lyrics, and BE SILENT?")

Then...he was off.

"On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer, on Blitzen...
on Comet, on Cupid, On Donner...and my favorite...Vixen!!"

Joining Santa in the collage is our little elf Merrick, and his trusty dog Charley. Charley ripped apart every single piece of wrapping paper. (Who needs expensive dog toys?

It is now 12:05 a.m., and it is official. MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL...A GOOD NIGHT!