Not a lot of people know this,

But all of London's divorces are heard at Triton House, the county court of Bury the hatchet St Edmunds, which is why I am on a mini-holiday here. I was present at my birth and at my wedding and will most likely be present at my death, so why should I miss out on this significant milestone?
I couldn't have organised my birth, I did organise a brilliant wedding, I might one day organise a wonderful funeral for myself, but today I organised the best divorce imaginable.

Following a pink champagne breakfast I dressed beautifully and headed out to Triton House and stood outside door F, behind which my divorce was taking place. I am not permitted to witness the act in person because it is uncontested, and therefore it amounts to no more than a person in an office signing a document, as opposed to all the wigmarole of a court hearing. Do I care? Not a bit! I like to imagine that it is magician Tricky Ricky's day job.

Outside door F, at the appropriate moment I showered myself with congratulatory confetti, and then I paid a visit to Dr Barnardo's charity shop for reasons too deep to detail here. Outside a busker was singing “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life” and so he was showered with congratulatory confetti as well.

I then continued my lap of honour to The Nutshell, Britain's tiniest pub, and after that, on a wave of euphoria I bought myself some ink.