Those Who Find Themselves Ridiculous

My Dear Fellows & Dear Princess Normal,

You know, no-one ever told me life was going to be this way. My job's a joke, I'm broke, my love life's DOA. 

It's like I'm always stuck in second gear, is what I'm trying to say.

Look, this is all G-Man and OrkneyCaro's fault. Over the weekend they played a lot of music from the Last Century. As a result, I'm going through some kind of 1990's time-warp. This morning when I was picking up my coffee, I Want It That Way was playing in Wishbone and it was all I could do not to break out my boy-band dance moves*.

So at work all day, I've been listening to James, Radiohead, Garbage**, Fatboy Slim, The Verve, Ocean Colour Scene and Suede. Amongst many others.

That is, up until lunchtime when I went out to get birdie food. And suddenly it is SUMMER in New Zealand. It was really, really hot. I was sans jacket in short sleeves and still felt like I was being pegged with a chili d*ldo. WARM, it was.

I got back to my desk and said, "Seriously? Are you kidding me?"

Lemon was sat wearing a cardigan.

"It's not what you think," she told me. "I have to leave this on because - " she whispered it, " - this blouse underneath has FRILLY SLEEVES".

"Oh come on," I said. "No-one cares about things like that."

"Nah really," she said. "It's a thing. I may not have many standards but I draw the line at frilly sleeves." She saw the look on my face. "My daughter doesn't understand either."

The thing is. Look, what I'm trying to say is. Well. It's like this. Lemon is not someone who appears to care about clothes. At all. Her favourite clothes are the ones she has stolen from her partner. So this sudden burst of fashion-consciousness did seem very out of character.

"My daughter is always asking me, 'Why do you dress like a bogan?'" Lemon continued. "Just because I turned up to meet her one time with holes in my tights."

Lemon countered that no-one could see the holes. They were camouflaged on account of her tights were, "the same colour as my knickers".

"Mum, they are NOT, and anyway, the holes are mostly BELOW your knickers. And anyway, why do you want people looking at your knickers?"

"She's ALWAYS throwing out my knickers!" exclaimed Lemon. I was outraged on her behalf. Lemon and I share common ground here. 

"Cazza ALWAYS does that to me too! Usually when I've just finished breaking them in!" I cried.

"And you men have much BETTER knickers," said Lemon. "Better elastic, stronger material. Women's knickers are these flimsy things," she sneered. "AND you get to have Marvel characters on yours."

We both agreed that this was a form of sexism.

However, Lemon had been APPALLED in Farmer's (budget clothing shop)
when she came across some men's knickers for $40. "Calvin Klein," she spat. "That's just taking the piss."

I had to admit that Calvin Kleins were the only brand Cazza bought. "I'm not sure why," I said. "After all, I only put my bum in them."

And I'm not sure I'm that keen on them. Now that I sit here in them. Now that I'm on the couch typing this blip. In the heat, I could do with something a little roomier. A little holier. 

I want it that way. 

S.

* Of course I have some! Don't we all? Really? Just me? Practising in front of the mirror? And lip-syncing to the words? I'm going to stop talking.

** Me & Cazza are there in the crowd on one of our very first dates.