She'll lie and steal and cheat.
and beg you on her knees
make you think she means it this time.
She'll tear a hole in you,
a one you can't repair.
But i still love her I don't really care.
When it got cold,
oh we bundled up.
It's better to feel pain than nothing,
at all.
The opposite of love's indifference.
So pay attention now,
i'm standing on your porch screaming out,
and I won't leave until you
come downstairs.
So keep your head up,
my love, my love.
I don't blame you dear,
running like you did all these years,
I would do the same if it were me
I never trusted my own eyes
when we were young, woah oh.
When it got cold oh we bundled up.
I can't be told, oh I can't be done.
Keep your head up, my love.

- Stubborn Loving - The Lumineers

~

She gave me all my stuff back, including this the full book I made her in august. Here's a the quote from the day i finished it

"I finished the book I was making for her She's going to love it I just know that for sure, forever" it was completely full, of every single memory I hold in my head, photos i printed, spent so much making it for her, she promised she wouldn't get rid of it, so instead she did something worse, she gave back my love. She fucking gave it back.

Sigh. She gave me all the things I ever ever gave her. Literally, presents, clothes, everything. The clothes smelled of her beautiful sugary scent, and as I reached into the bag to empty them out and they tangled upon my floor, I found these which are the present i bought her when she went away to San tropez, I didnt think she'd give them back because they were a gift because I fucking adored her. As i fought back tears I slowly slumped down into the huge pile of clothes and dug a nest into them, surrounding myself with her smell and burying my face in what I have left of her, just crying empty tears into the fabrics fueled and brimming with her rejection.


This is a sad blip. Waving goodbye to a girl you all came to know and love but you can't even imagine how I loved her, or maybe you can, because of the way I'd write about her whenever I could, I am used to this wintertime sadness, it always gets me by the throat and squeezes till I choke on my own exhausted and boiling hot tears that burn as they roll eagerly away from my eyes.

~

I spoke to Pam, my friend. (Pamelam on here) and she told me she pretends her cheating ex who dated her for two years, she pretended he died. That when she sees him at school it couldn't possibly be him because he died weeks ago. It helps her forget, she grieves the loss, like a death, because like bethan, the boy she fell for is long since dead, replaced by every other inhabitant fucker who claims bodies and calls themself a 'lad' or somethign ridiculous.

Well in that context ^ Bethan died about a month ago, she just dissapeared, her parents mailed me her clothes, I am distraught, I wish I could have saved her, but I couldn't, she ran from me, and was taken by something indescribably horrible. I hope wherever she is, she remembers me, and that she loves me too. Though I know i was and never will be what she needs.

I am sad and I am broken. Distant from the world. I won't let my friends touch me, not really. Not even hugging or anything. I hide the fear inside of me, happy couples swim sickly alongside me, I am happy for their joy but my eyes well with misery that no one can stop. I just want to fix this broken toy that I am becoming.

However, despite all this pain, I am doing better than last time back in July.