Started to feel relaxed.

I thought I'd start my painting by numbers picture today as it was the first day I had felt relaxed enough and with believing I had two weeks before hearing anything it seemed the ideal time.
However, this afternoon the nurse phoned and told me they'd had the results of the Oncotype DX test which advised me to have chemo. I freaked a bit and asked if this meant it had spread but the nurse said not at all, it's just to stop it returning.

I couldn't relax or eat, I couldn't settle and was pacing around fretting.
I had to feed mum but could hardly concentrate. I phoned the Macmillan nurse who was awful and just made me worse.
I was told I had an appointment on Monday at half nine again :(
Why do they make these appointments so early for me.
So I had to try and arrange a sitter again from the same place and hope they turn up this time.
My friend is able to take me, go in with me and bring me home again.
I've been told the appointment should only take half an hour.

Tonight I phoned the Macmillan helpline again and got someone better who had been in the business 32 years. He was able to calm me down and give me a sense of not being so out of control.
I'm not completely ok though as I keep getting panicky and feeling scared.
I was trying to write down everything he was telling me so I could reassure myself afterwards. The helpline goes off at 8pm until 9am tomorrow.
He told me that the surgery has most likely removed everything but if any cells had escaped they will be swept up by the chemo.
He said if I decided after having 4 sessions that I didn't want any more, I had a window of opportunity of 6 months to return and have the rest.
I was told they are done on one day every three or four weeks.

I guess I'll find out more on Monday but I won't know if I have a sitter for mum until tomorrow.