At Home With Er Indoors

My Dear Princess & Dear Fellows,

I'm not going to tell you about my day today. I could tell you about my day today, but it was not an interesting day. For example, the most interesting thing that happened to me today was The Man Who Stared At Yoghurt.

He was a large man in Countdown who stood in front of the yoghurt selection, apparently confused by the dozen different types of yoghurt. This was annoying, because I wanted yoghurt and I knew what yoghurt I wanted. But I was unable to reach it because of Man.... staring... staring... 

This went on for some time. I began to wonder if he had been hypnotised by the Mango & Peach Lo-Cal Greek-Style.

In the end I moved him aside with a snippy ecccccck-scuse me. 

And that is the most interesting thing that happened during my day today.

"Let me tell you about MY (very bad word) day," said Er Indoors when I got in. So I'll tell you about that instead.

Er Indoors's Terrible Horrible No-Good Very Bad Word Day
Er Indoors's first week back at work has been stressful because one of her colleagues is off and Er Indoors is covering her desk. This would not be so bad, but it turns out that all of Holiday Colleague's clients are FURIOUS at her for one (justifiable) reason after another.

"She has left her desk in SUCH a (very bad word) MESS," explained Er Indoors. So she has been pouring oil on troubled waters all week (with no thanks from clients OR managers).

The OTHER thing you need to know is that Punky likes to leap onto the top of the kitchen cabinets. He is a lithe, agile - some might even say "cat-like "- cat and he jumps up there with no problem at all. There's not even a "thud". He just arrives up there with with a light patter of paws and - one imagines - a graceful pirouette. Maybe even a "voilà!"

I'll walk into the kitchen unaware. Then I'll suddenly feel him looking at me from aloft. "Ah, I've been expecting you," he'll say nonchalantly.

Then there's Jasper. 

Bless him. 

"Lithe" is not an adjective you'd associate with Jasper. He's like a little hairy potato. He's big, but STOCKY. He is the George Costanza of cats and I can't see George making it to the top of our kitchen cabinets either.

Jasper CAN - if we allow it - walk across the kitchen hob, and jump to the top of the fridge (it's less of a jump). THEN - he can try to jump from the top of the fridge to the top of the kitchen cabinets. But it's about 2 and a half feet and me and Er Indoors think that a flying hairy potato would not make it and stress about him trying it (he has a bad hip and we worry about the effect of a fall). Showing some rare sense, Jasper also seems unsure if he can make it. But you can see him thinking... thinking...

He is sorely tempted. We see his frustration. And hear it.

See, IF Jasper gets to the top of the fridge and IF he decides he wants to join his brother on top of the kitchen cabinets, he then paces back and forth because a flying potato can't make it and he howls and howls and HOWLS.

He can be quite vocal.

So TODAY, Er Indoors tried to out-think him. She deployed THE BOX. This is the box the a/c unit arrived in. She thought if she put it on top of the fridge, then it would stop Jasper from walking across the hob and getting on top of the fridge and then trying to jump the two and a half feet to the top of the kitchen cabinets to join his brother and realising he couldn't make it and howling and howling and howling because he couldn't make it.

Are you with me so far?

Er Indoors put the box up there this morning. And then a client called her, FURIOUS over something Holiday Colleague had not done that she was supposed to do. Er Indoors tried to calm him down.

MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW

What had happened was this: Punky had decided to jump to the top of the kitchen cabinets, and Jasper was envious. Worse, Jasper couldn't even get to the top of the fridge because the box the a/c unit had arrived in was IN THE WAY. And he was DISPLEASED about this state of affairs.

Er Indoors closed the kitchen door and continued trying to mollify the incandescent client. 

MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW

"So... so... if then... if... errr... if I could..." continued Er Indoors on the phone. 

MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW

"Now look here," said the client, "I know you're trying to help.... and err.... well I appreciate that it's... but the thing is... but... is that a CAT?"

"Well, yes. Yes it is," admitted Er Indoors. "Actually, it's MY cat. He's having a tantrum because I put a large cardboard box on top of the fridge."

"I see," said the client. Not seeing really.

"MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW," added Jasper.

"Would you mind if I put you down for a moment?" asked Er Indoors. "I just need to calm my cat."

The client agreed that this was probably for the best.

Er Indoors realised she was not likely to win this battle of wills and removed the box from the top of the fridge and placed it on the hob.

"Right," she told Jasper. "You can go on top of the fridge, but don't start shouting because you can't make it to the top of the kitchen cabinets. I've got a very important client on the phone and I need you to be quiet because he's not happy with the service he's received so far."

She went back to her phone. "Hello, sorry about that," she said.

"Were you explaining my situation to your CAT?" asked the client. 

Apparently the microphone on Er Indoors's phone is REALLY effective.

She admitted that she was, and that she and Jasper had been having an in-depth discussion about the whole kitchen cabinets and client situ. 

Fortunately, he appeared to think this was charming and when she finally hung up, he was happy again and he thanked her for her help.

It was at this point she smelled the burning.

Er Indoors ran into the kitchen to find the large box that the a/c unit arrived in was smouldering.

It transpires that when Jasper jumped from the hob to the top of the fridge, he had kicked one of the hob-knobs and turned on one of electric rings. Which had then set fire to the large box the a/c unit came in, which was now smouldering and putting out acrid smoke.

Er Indoors said SEVERAL very bad words, while switching off the hob, removing the large box the a/c unit came in from the hob, putting out the minor fire and opening all the windows so that the fire alarm didn't go off, freaking out the cats.

Who, by now, were BOTH on top of the kitchen cabinets. 

The Hairy Potato had made it. Managed the two and a half foot jump from the top of the fridge to the top of the kitchen cabinets to join his brother. 

"Told you I could do it," said Jasper. 

When I got in at 4.30pm today, Er Indoors looked quite frazzled. The boys by contrast, looked relaxed and happy, curled up on their respective cat-blankets. Er Indoors recounted her story. I think she needed to get it out of her system.

I did not tell her about The Man Who Stared At Yoghurt. I think that might be too much for her after the events of her day. I'll save it for my memoirs.

S.