Searching for Silver Linings

Obviously, as the heroine in Gardenstate once said, I am "in it." It's just one of those seasons in life where most of what I am feeling is intense. Some of it's the weather, some if it's circumstance and some of it is just life.

I was in love one time. Not too long ago. We were best friends for years before we dated. It was a beautiful, friendly albeit heart breaking parting. He thinks we're still best friends, and I ache more for the lost friendship than for the ended relationship. Isn't that a perfect picture of the difference between men and women's thinking?

Last night, I am sure because the day had been so emotional... I put on John Mayer (it's ALWAYS embarrassing to admit - but I do love his music) and listened to Split Screen Sadness on repeat.

"All you need is love is a lie cause
We had love but we still said goodbye
Now we're tired, battered fighters...

So I'll check the weather wherever you are
Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight
It might be my only right...

And I know it was me who called it over but
I still wish you'd fought me 'til your dying day
Don't let me get away...

Cause I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me
So I can say this is the way that I used to be
There's no substitute for time..."

I listen to it and feel that ridiculous Jr. High crush feeling, where I wonder why he didn't fight for me. Funny. Because the truth is that he loved me, and I moved to another continent and thought, love is enough. I think I've spent the last year realizing how devastated I was to learn as a grown adult, that sometimes it just isn't. And it's nobodies fault.

So I got up this morning and told my heart that we were on a hunt for silver linings. I reminded it that pain is OK, because it means that we've loved deeply and that is an incredibly rare and beautiful gift. I told it that when we stopped hurting, we would look back warmly and think such beautiful things about that time we had with that one that we loved.

And then I looked up...