Grey Street

Today, I walked past these lights and I was struck by how bright they seemed against the grey of Berlin in the winter, and the grey that seems to have settled over me like a cold, wet blanket. I hate colored lights. Hate them, but today, they seemed lovely and cheerful and hopeful and bright.

I was walking out of the grocery store, fighting back tears as I listened to Florence and the Machine sing, "The Dog Days are Over". I almost ran directly in to two guys in the doorway... I gave them this huge smile to try to cover my watery eyes and embarrassment, at first they were taken totally aback, and then I got these two beautifully warm, shocked smiles. It took my breath away.

Then I walked over to the tram stop, where the tram that I needed comes every 20 minutes and wished that I would get there and the sign would say, "M6 Schwarzkopfstr. 3 min" instead I saw people getting off of the M6 and I started running knowing it would be a long time until the next one. Then I saw the doors closing and my heart just kind of sank. I thought, don't cry... that's silly. The tram took off and then 20 yards past the stop, as I swallowed back my silly grey tears... the driver slowed down for me, and stopped, and opened the doors. In two years in Berlin, I've never seen such a thing happen. When I got on the train I let the tears fall, realizing, I didn't know what I was fighting, why I was fighting them, and I should probably just let myself cry.

I realized I felt like this sad was trapped in some part of my soul just wanting to scratch its way out. So I let it. I cried and stared out the window at the grey, and remembered the lyrics to this song;

"There's an emptiness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It's more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart
To grey"