Foof Chat

My Dear Princess and Dear Fellows,

For Christmas Eve we were due to go and see Dani and The Cop. Which sounds like a 1970's film but is in fact that name of one of Er Indoors's oldest friends (Dani) and her husband who is a Cop.

Dani has a reputation. She is a no-nonsense, speak-as-she-finds, no-filters sort of lady. For example, someone asked her to tell a joke and she responded, "How do you get a clown off a swing? - Hit him in the face with an axe."

She is SCARY is what I am saying. You have met Lisa? She would EAT Lisa for breakfast. She is Er Indoors's SCARIEST friend. Nevertheless she loves me. Which is effing fortunate. And even despite this she threatened to punch me last night. Twice. Once for agreeing with her husband about something, the second time for "dissing Johnny Mathis".

And I had no ally because her husband The Cop wasn't even there! He was on duty! All I had was my little hairy friend pictured above. He came snuffling around my feet and then jumped into my lap. He was just adorable. "What's his name?" I asked Dani.

"@rsehole," she replied. (It transpires it is actually Oscar). Look at that little face! Look! Isn't he cute!

So instead of The Cop we got to meet a bunch of Dani's friends who came around for dinner. And a Taiwanese friend who was staying with them. She had been staying with them for a week and Dani still couldn't pronounce her name. "This is Sherlynn? Shao Lin? Shere Lin?"

"Just call me Lynn," said Lynn.

Another of Dani's friends had an announcement -

WARNING DO NOT PROCEED WITH THIS BLIP IF YOU HAVE DOWN BELOW LADY AREA ISSUES

See. What you need to know about me is this: Soozle, my first wife, was a secretary for a gynaecologist for a while. And she LOVED her work. She would come home and tell me about Lady Parts ALL THE TIME. Over dinner. Weird ones, funny ones, unusual ones... I feel it vaccinated me and so foof chat does not bother me. But I know some people - let's call this group of people "men" - who can get quite squeamish about it. So if you are a person who does not own a foof, then PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

So anyway, this friend waltzed in. Clearly very pleased with herself and FULL OF NEWS which she NEEDED TO SHARE.

"I've had a piercing!" she sang. She didn't SAY where, but she pointed.

I think the looks on our faces indicated a clear feeling of "Oh dear GOD!"

But she was delighted with it, she said. She talked about the process. In detail. How the nurse had examined her carefully and massaged the area with anaesthetic first. "For a LONG time," the friend added. "With BOTH hands," she added darkly. "I was feeling quite close to her by this stage."

"You've got a lovely one," said the nurse. "It's really beautiful. I've done eight of these procedures today and yours is by far the best."

"I bloody KNEW it!" the friend told us. "I always thought it was a nice one. Of course you're never sure because it's not the same squatting over a mirror," she added.

She asked the nurse to take a picture. Which is the weirdest selfie I've ever heard of.

The piercing is a bar that sort of goes up through it, she described - I guess this is to make it more sensitive?

I had questions at this point:

a) Why would you...?
b) I mean what made you...?
c) Really...?

But I didn't. The friend's monologue hadn't finished and I didn't want to interrupt. And anyway, she was fielding questions left and right as it was. She said she didn't feel ANYTHING when it happened. And then she passed around a picture of a clay model showing what the piercing would look like so we could take a look.

"Don't swipe right or you might see something you don't want to see," she added thoughtfully.

It's not for me. That's all I can say. But clearly this lady was delighted with her procedure. She's been told it makes riding a bicycle a LOT more fun. "I'm starting a spin class in the New Year," she added.

Not to be outdone, another friend had a story...

This concerned someone she knew who had an appointment with the gynae, for a smear or something like that. Before she left the house, she grabbed a hand towel and "did a bit of a tidy-up" as the lady put it.

She put the towel in a plastic bag and took it with her in her car. The storyteller explained this was, "just in case she needed a touch-up along the way". Then she went to her appointment. It went well. Really well. The gynaecologist said, "I'm delighted to see you went to so much effort on my behalf."

The lady didn't know what he meant by this. Back in her car, she looked at the cloth again. Her kids had been playing with glitter. And then washed their hands. Essentially she had Bedazzled herself before she left the house. 

Now I don't have any stories like that. For the obvious reason. But I prompted Er Indoors to tell a tale that I still find amusing. It concerns the Glasgow Dentist Who Gave Housecalls. It's not as rude as the previous stories, but I love it. Are you sitting comfortably?

The Glasgow Dentist Who Gave Housecalls
For the elderly, dentists will go out to their houses to give them check-ups. I did not know this, but it makes sense. One fellow who Er Indoors used to work with during her time at the NHS went to see a little old lady in her house and she welcomed him in.

"Now we should put you in the room with the best light," he explained to her. "It will help me to be able to see what's going on in there."

The little old lady took him into the kitchen and they got a chair for her and put it in front of the window. The dentist got his equipment and was just leaning in to look in her mouth when she asked a question he was not expecting - 

"Do you want me to take my pants down?"

This stopped the dentist in his tracks. Had he been LURED here by this seemingly-innocent little old lady? What sort of an examination did she have in mind? Had she misunderstood what sort of doctor he was?

"I'm sorry?" was all he could think to say.

"I say. Would you like me to take down my pants?" she repeated. He looked at her aghast. She clarified, "You know, so you can get a better look at it."

This didn't make him feel any better.

In the end she just pointed. Out of the window and to her washing line - there was a massive pair of nana pants hanging from it, blocking the light.

"I've never felt such relief," the dentist told Er Indoors.

So that was my evening. I need you to know that I have censored what I heard. Heavily. That was just the beginning of the evening and it went downhill from there. Dani's lovely daughters all made an appearance and they were delightful, funny and charming, all of them. The eldest had brought her boyfriend along and they were to sleep in the caravan outside the front of the house.

"Don't you be shagging in that caravan," said Dani, pointing her finger at the boyfriend. "You shag on those sheets and you're in trouble. Also, if that caravan gets shaken loose and goes down the hill you might wind up in the estuary."

It wasn't EXACTLY Christmassy, I suppose. But then Dani put on "Fairytale of New York" and soon the bells were ringing out for Christmas Day.

And I didn't get drunk. Despite the chat. I have to save myself for tomorrow. Night night all.

S.