Flying Away

My Dear Princess & Dear Fellows,

This picture was taken in Wellington airport. The "Middle of Middle-Earth" as it bills itself. We were there as it was off to Papamoa today, for our first NZ family Christmas since 2000.

Back then I took Er Indoors home just 18 months after we had first met. I had already met Shetland Dad and J-Bar (my not quite then in-laws) who had visited Edinburgh, but it as the first time I met Feefs and her then-boyfriend Sean.

I remember Shetland Dad pumped my hand like a spigot when he greeted us in his driveway. He may have said something like, "She's YOUR problem now, son." 

So it was a grand welcome and I was given the Seat of Honour (the Lay-Z-Boy recliner) in the living room. Cups of tea appeared and everyone was jovial and the family cat (Pusscat) even sat on my lap and everyone remarked how I was "The Cat Whisperer" (I totally AM btw).

But. It had been a LOOOOONG flight from Singapore and I was really tired. A Ken Burns documentary about the American West was on telly. I think that Peter Fonda was narrating. The recliner reclined. The cat purred. And Peter Fonda's voice is like aural Mogadon. And soon I wasssszzzzzzzz......

Yes. Fast asleep. Not napping  But completely OUT. Snoring. Drooling. My bowels relaxed too and I let out a fart.

It must have acted like someone sounding the reveille. I awoke with a start. The recliner snapped upright. The cat SHOT across the room in panic with a fat tail. I looked around me, bewildered to find the entire family looking at me.

I drunkenly wobbled up out of my chair. I remember feeling like I was wading through porridge. "I'm just going to... I think I need... bed..." was all I could muster. And I collapsed into the guest bedroom.

The last thing I heard was from Shetland Dad, "He's not embarrassed because he farted all over the CAT is he??" 

And then the laughter. The mocking laughter. I was too tired to care.

Feefs was lovely to me on that visit. Took me for lots of long walks along the beach. Her boyfriend Sean was also a really nice chap. He lived in with Feefs and her parents and Shetland Dad relished embarrassing Feefs by telling me of the ridiculous charade the pair went through every night. A whole pantomime of stretching and yawning and, "Ooooh... well.. think I'll turn in...." And then 10 minutes later they would both be upstairs and the parents could tell EXACTLY what they were up to because it made the crockery cabinet downstairs rattle.

"Daaaaaad!!!" said Feefs. She didn't care for that story.

Feefs was just as lovely this time. She picked us up from Tauranga airport and got us settled in our motel before taking us back to hers. Today was a big occasion as it was Little Nipper's birthday. So in addition to Feefs, Nipper and Big Nipper, there was also Shetland Dad and J-Bar, and also Miranda, who is both our landlady in Wellington and Big Nipper's mum.

I do hope you are keeping up.

So it was a big festive occasion. Big Nipper got to work on the barbecue and we all had drinks. Feefs meanwhile was looking in HORROR at the Xmas dinner instructions that had come with her Food Bag. All the recipes that make up the bag are created by Nadia Lim who is NZ's Nigella Lawson (winner of MasterChef NZ or something like that).

"Effing Nadia Lim!" stormed Feefs. "What even IS scamorza stuffing??" She was also appalled the turkey had arrived "With a neck! I've never removed a neck from ANYTHING!" She declared that is was the "first and last" time they were trying this and announced she might even pop out and get a rotisserie chicken instead. "If I serve whirly-chicken, who would even know the difference???"

It should be added that, of the ten guests for dinner on Xmas day, five do not even LIKE turkey. I suspect I'll be having second and third helpings to make Feefs feel better. 

Little Nipper opened his present from us. It was, as I had hoped, The Best Present Ever. I got a big hug from the little chap and fortunately I could even get it to work pretty quickly (thanks Fat Pete). So I am now totally his favourite relative. Move over Er Indoors bahahahahaha!!!

We ended the evening playing the Star Wars edition of "Family Feud" or "Family Fortunes" depending which version of the game show you grew up with. Feefs was the host (the Bob Monkhouse, if you will) and got to say things like "Our survey says...." and also got to make the EEH-UUH noise when you got it wrong.

It was great fun. We had been drinking. Those two sentences are not unrelated.

So that's day one of "New Zealand Lampoon's Christmas Vacation". I'll keep you as updated as I can depending on my sobriety.

S.