Dougal! Ye Big Eejit!

My Dear Princess and Dear Fellows,

I got sunburned on Monday. And it was ironic because it was overcast that day. Let me reiterate. OVER. CAST. Sun was BEHIND CLOUD. 

Scary.

On the really sunny days, I have been ultra-paranoid about not turning into a Crispy Critter. During the recent heatwave I was slip, slop, slapping my heart out. Lathering on that sunscreen like it was ice-cream and I was the biggest Flake in the world. 

I mean. You can tell the sun here is fierce. If you turn your back on it, it will leap right down and BITE you. I was worried that, without sunscreen, I would step onto the pavement and spontaneously COMBUST, leaving just a puddle of Yorkshireman on the street, and a comedy silhouette of me on a wall, with my hands up to my face. Frozen in time, doing "Tragedy" by Steps for ETERNITY.

The humiliation.

But I do not care for the sunscreen. It is sticky and oily and yuck and leaves my hands feeling tacky all day. So on the overcast day, I eschewed it. Went without. Fool that I was. 

The next day I woke up and the right hand side of my face was stingy and hot. When I looked at my face in the mirror it appeared that someone had flat-hand SLAPPED me during my sleep.

It wasn't Er Indoors. I asked. Just to be on the safe side.

No. It was THE SUN. Either from behind the clouds or in the TEN EFFING MINUTES of sunshine we had that day. That's just MEAN.

So, because I'm a "solutions" kind of Business Analyst, I thought about it and decided to buy myself a roll-on sunscreen. That way, I could carry it around with me and just slap it on whenever I felt myself starting to cook. And I'd whack it on every morning even if there was an EFFING BLIZZARD outside. That should fix THAT.

So that's what I did on Wednesday morning. I rolled on my stick. "Mmmm... refreshing...." I thought. And I went off to work whistling with a spring in my step and joy in my heart.

I did EXACTLY the same thing this morning as well. Slap, slap, slap with the old stick* and then I was about to leave when Er Indoors spotted me.

"What's that on your face?" she asked. I explained, proudly. 

"Well.... hmmm... you MIGHT WANT TO rub it in a bit," she advised.

I took a look at myself and to my surprise the sunscreen did not come on clear, like a deodourant. It FOAMED UP. My face was covered in white cream** I looked like I was either rabid or the world's messiest mime.

So I rubbed it in and headed off to work, with a spring in my step and blah blah blah, you get the picture. But then something occurred to me which FROZE MY BLOOD.

I had gone into a COFFEE SHOP with all that sh*t on my face the day before! I THOUGHT the lady looked a me funny! Oooh, I was black affronted!

I am going to have to AVOID THAT COFFEE SHOP for the rest of my life! I'm gong to have to cross to the OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET when I pass by! 

I wonder how much it would cost me to get someone to burn it to the ground?

Ha ha ha. I am just joking of course. But really, how much do you think?

So there you have it. A tale of indignity and woe. To be honest, I think I'd rather be immolated by the sun than laughed at. Maybe during the next heatwave I'll run around in it naked until I explode in a ball of flame. That will restore my dignity.

S.

* Oh for goodness' sake. Behave yourself Princess.
** Honestly, you people. Minds in the sewer.