Bake Off!

Finally got round to make cakes from the last of my yellow courgettes before they went over and were fit only for the hens! The only drama of today was the tree cutting down my road. I'd only seen the road sign sunday evening telling me the road would be traffic light controlled for 4 days that week - no explanation of why. Found out monday when a guy knocked on my door asking me to move my car to allow them to do their work! Apparently he had spent most of the morning knocking on peoples doors - he hadn't leafleted the houses so all his own fault! I moved my car to the station carpark - got the last space!
So today a different guy asking me to move my car! Not mine I said! I'd seen the very low slung fancy soft top in my space before but had never been able to discover to whom it belonged and where they were visiting. Blooming typical if it prevents them from cutting back the trees opposite me - they are getting entangled in the phone wires! My old neighbour phoned the council many times saying if they fell they would do a lot of damage - they didn't listen to her! A while later another guy called to ask me to move my car - not good at communicating to themselves or the public it seems!
Today I discovered the Calm app on my phone had different sets of meditations to follow - I decided to do the Forgiveness one which started with forgiving oneself. I had two areas to forgive myself - the guilt I feel at no longer working and times when I felt I had not been there for Friend. I guess I'm questioning my purpose in life now I no longer work. Given that I was lucky to have a job to give back to others, and that I did it without a break as soon as I qualified, it's a bit of a nonsensical one really. I know I worked hard and gave my all, but that old work ethic from my parents is hard to shake. I had wondered if I would have this reaction to retirement. Being occupied with Friend as soon as I retired just delayed it. This one was easy to forgive - told myself I did deserve it and I could do voluntary work somewhere if I still felt the need to be giving back. The hedonistic lifestyle is not all it's cracked up to be it seems! The question as to why I should feel this need and have this guilt leads to the whole question of why we are here at all ... well I can't answer that one! Just got to work out what makes me feel happy.
The one over Friend is just as nonsensical - there are  3 specific occassions I recall when I wasn't there for Friend, one long period when I had shingles. Part of them occuring was down to the months when I was the main source of help and support. I remembered the time we had a safari dinner and she collapsed and they all left me with her sleeping to continue the next course of the meal. Everyone was happy I looked after her and noone thought maybe I needed a break for one evening! The Shingles gave me the permission to step back and let others come to the fore and for her to accept other friends helping her. The other two occassions were because I said no:-  to going to her wig fitting, again as there was a friend who was a hairdresser and it was more rationale to go with her! Getting her some milk as she had relatives visiting the next day - I had just got to my car after a session with my hypnotherapist and was feeling fragile  - ask the bloody relatives to bring the sodding  milk I remember thinking! I know I was there for Friend and these occassions are just so insignificant - why is guilt like other negative emotions, so much stronger and harder to let go of? 
So there we go - forgiveness of myself. The Inspirational Thought  on my screen at the end of the session was:-

Our mind is a garden, our thoughts are the seeds, you can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
So having weeded my memories, time to plant some seeds! Oh and to eat cake!