Saranny, Soozle & Mad Dog

Dear Princess Normal and Fat Pete,

Another day of goodbyes. Today I met my ex-wife Soozle for lunch. People think she is a very serious-minded individual.

I suppose she is. But not with me. I always seemed to be able to lower her to my level of childish silly humour. It was funny. I saw it happen today as soon as she saw me. Her demeanour changed and she offered me her affectionate, yet apologetic grin, almost as if she is embarrassed that she likes me.

I understand that. I am an effing idiot, as you both know.

She paid for my lunch and it was then I saw the card in her purse (above). I made this card for her literally decades ago. She used to LOVE Looney Tunes and Wile E Coyote was her absolute favourite.

So we spent a very pleasant 90 minutes catching up on news and reminiscing a little. I thanked her for everything as we walked out together. I put my arm around her shoulder and she leaned on me. It was a nice feeling - not like we were married again - but it was like we were the friends we used to be before we got involved. I don't think we ever stopped being friends, not really.

After work I had to rush into town to pick up the new luggage that Er Indoors had bought from M&S Click & Collect. So I was temporarily like one of those really annoying visitors careering up Princes Street with two out-of-control suitcases both going different directions at once, as I headed for the taxi rank.

"I am NOT a tourist!" I wanted to say. But no-one would have believed me.

I dropped them off at home and then it was back out again to meet Mad Dog & Saranny at The Hanging Bat, a pub so cool and hip that I felt a beard growing on me as soon as I walked in. I was afraid that someone might wrestle me to the ground and rip off my socks before forcing a pair of shiny brogues on me.

Saranny gave me a big hug. Well, she did after I gave her pelters for NOT hugging me. "Do you think I came all the way out here just to see HIM?" I asked, indicating Mad Dog.

I told her I was living in Stockbridge now. "Oh! I grew up in Stockbridge!" she replied.

I vaguely remembered this. "Danube Street?" I asked.

She was affronted. "I was NOT a prozzy!!" she replied, hotly.

I did know that Danube Street was home to Edinburgh's most infamous brothel, I'd lived there myself (on the street - not in the brothel) and whenever I'd take a taxi home, the driver would chortle and tell me the stories of the queues down the street during the 1960's.

I didn't mean to imply that Saranny worked there though. "I LIVED there myself!" I said. "I made a good living too," I said, smirking at Mad Dog. As it happens, Saranny had lived on Cheyne Street. Her house was demolished and a rather ugly community centre is there now.

Later, her parents moved the family to a house around the corner, near India Place and Gloucester Lane, where some dull 1960's style flats now reside. "It's funny - everywhere I used to live gets demolished. I think the council is trying to tell me something," said Saranny.

When you get Saranny & Mad Dog together they turn into this quick-fire double act of comedy and banter. So I had great fun listening to them relive our days at Slack in the 90's, and also hearing of Saranny's first IT job at the Ag & Fish department in Scottish Government.

She used to work in the same building I did out at Saughton. Now it is all open plan, but in her days, those long spurs of office space were all partitioned off into individual offices. "It was great. One bloke used to grow his tomatoes in there," Saranny recalled.

She got a job in programming because she is technically minded and analytical. Not really. She actually got it by cheating. She was put on the course, and while her peers struggled she cruised through each module easily. "You're amazing! You have a natural affinity for programming," said the course leader.

"Yeah I know," said Saranny in her twenties.

The thing was, this was in the days of punched cards. And what Saranny had figured out but her colleagues had missed was that the EASIEST way to write a new program was to STEAL the punched cards of previous course attendees and punch a new card with your name on it.

She sailed through and was put on a Very Important Project to do with measuring fish quotas.

"The bloke said something about triple array subscripts or something. To be honest I wasn't listening. I just wrote something that looked like a program," she continued.

Later that day the bloke came back to Saranny to say that her program didn't work on account of she hadn't defined any storage. None. No variables. "Is that important?" she remembers asking.

So they put her in a corner and let her @rse about for a few years. Then she became an analyst. IT was definitely the way to go for an easy life in the 80's. Come to think of it, it is still pretty good for that now.

Which reminds me. It is my last day of work tomorrow. I have to be up ultra-early, as I'm planning to take a long lunch hour (yet another cat appointment). I explained this to Saranny & Mad Dog and they understood. We broke the evening up early and I gave them both hugs and said my goodbyes.

We promised to get together again. They are going to have drinks in the pub and dial me up on WhatsApp and put me on the table so I can watch them get pished. But still. More goodbyes.

It's getting hard on the throat. I need more hellos, as Charlie Brown used to say.

S.