Appointment With Fear

My Dear Fellow,

I just finished watching "Sadako vs Kayako". It is a very silly film, the Japanese equivalent of "Freddy vs Jason" in that it pits the demon telly spirit from "Ring" against the demon house spirit from "The Grudge".

I couldn't find a subtitled version so I had to put up with dubbing. It was very stilted and odd. Like listening to a spooky episode of "Westway". But that seemed appropriate a film that had lines in it like this:

GIRL: I watched the cursed videotape. (Cheerily) Now I guess I'll die!

and

MAN: You have been cursed by a demonic spirit and you will never see your parents again. Would you like some tea.

I only watched it because "Ring" really scared me. In the film, you watch a video and immediately get a phone call from a demon which means you are cursed.

DEMON: So that'll be a week on Monday I'll be round to eat your soul. All right?

That first film was really effective. I remember that as soon as I'd finished watching it, someone actually did phone me. The house was all quiet and I was still mildly freaked out by the spooky goings on when RING RING.

I nearly coughed in me rompers. Er Indoors came home to find that I'd hidden the remote control and thrown a cloth over the telly.

Japanese horror movies can be a bit jarring in that they usually have a psychic character in them who can explain EVERYTHING with great authority. A bit like American scientist characters (Dr. Von Scott) who could explain monsters in the 1950's.

SCIENTIST: Why... it's some sort of "heat ray"... but if we can just boost the radiowave output it might just disrupt their thermoplasmic generator!
SCIENTIST 2: Of course!
JAPANESE PSYCHIC: I still say we should trap it in a cursed well.

I love horror movies these days. It wasn't always like this. As a kid ITV would always show a scary film after the 10 o'clock news on Friday in a slot they called "Appointment With Fear". And the ITV announcer would have fun with it. "And now it's time for Appointment... With Feeeeeeear."

I still find the closing bongs of the 10 o'clock news scary, thanks to "funny" ITV announcers.

So I would scurry off to bed to avoid seeing the scary stuff, but could still hear the music and my imagination would be all fired up from titles like, "The Legend of Hell House", "Devil Doll" or "The Beast Must Die!" I would conjure up all sorts of stuff that was probably way scarier than the movie itself.

Tups did not help. She would TELL me about the films afterward, and there was always embellishment. She hadn't even seen the film "Alien" (it came out when she was 11) but I remember she told me the story of the film from a kid who knew a kid who had seen it.

"It's about an ALIEN on a haunted spaceship," she told me. "And there's all these people running away from the ghost when the alien gets them and ALL THIS BLOOD comes out and everything."

I think she had something there.

Then there was her description of "The Omen". She hadn't see that either but according to her was all about an evil child who went around stabbing people with special knives and "all this blood comes out and you see it and everything."

She knew what she liked, and she stuck with it.

I remember her telling me about a film called "The Creeping Flesh" which featured some sort of fossilised embodiment of evil. She told me the whole tale, but not what happened to the monster. I NEEDED to know how the heroes subdued it, so I asked my mum instead. I remember her exact words - for they chill me TO THIS DAY.

"Oh, I dunno. It just went off on its merry way I suppose."

Eight year old me was FREAKED OUT. "On its MERRY WAY?" You mean it's still OUT THERE?!?

Eventually I grew out of my fears and learned to love horror for what it is. Good, silly fun. Nowadays I have a folder on my hard drive with all those old movies in. It is called "Appointment With Fear". Although now I think about it, it IS sort of a silly name. It's like "Lunchtime Meeting With Terror" or "Phone-Call from Death".

DEMON: So that'll be a week tomorrow then. See you then for torture and dismemberment! Ciao!

I know, I know, it's all SO SILLY. But then - at the very moment that "Sadako vs Kayako" finished, my phone started vibrating. YEEK.

It was Lovely Niece #1 sending me a nice message. Ha ha ha. Silly of me. Now get me a cloth for the telly.

Parsones