I Totally So Am You Know

My Dear Fellow,

I got back late on Friday night but Er Indoors and I still managed to fit in the traditional curry. Relatives are all very well, but rituals must be respected.

It was nice to be home, and I got the Big Catty Welcome from the boys, but then I unpacked my bag and found this mug in it. It was from Lovely Niece #2 who had sneaked off during our lunch, ostensibly to get a card for a friend but apparently that was not all she was up to.

She also sent me a message:

"It's not a lot but I just thought I'd get you a little something to signify that you're an awesome uncle!! I love you lots, seeing you literally makes me so happy because you're such an inspiration. I love performing as it's something I'm passionate about, and you have a lot of passion about theatre and movies and all sorts of funky new stuff. Aw, I'm so glad you came!! It meant so much to see you in the audience. Xx"

It is hard to suppress a sniffle.

The nieces have always been a source of joy to me. Friendly, clever and funny, we've always had fun with them. I remember I spent loads of time with them the week my mum died and while I'm sure they appreciated it, I appreciated it more. They got me through it.

Mind you, that was also the week that LN#2 leapt onto my lap (she was 6 at the time) and spent ages playing with my face. I was playing the "pull on my ear and my tongue comes out, press my noise and I go PARP" game that amuses children so much.

"Poor Uncle!" said Tups. "Leave him alone!"

I didn't mind, but LN#2 then jumped down and announced, "I've got nits!" before running to play in the garden.

I was confined to the spare room for a week after that. Put in quarantine, if you will.

Lovely Niece #1 is more introspective and I've always enjoyed listening to her and answering her questions. As she's got older she's become more and more interesting and I try to foster that by encouraging her to watch films that are out of the mainstream. Her mum was recently forced to watch "Blue Velvet" and blamed me for the experience.

"What the bluddy 'ell was THAT all about?"

I try to tell the girls to go out and have experiences and encourage them and tell them they can do anything. I think you need that as a teenager, especially growing up in a small town in Yorkshire. I can't take credit for their ambitions but I'm delighted that they both have them. Really now all I can do is sit back and give them money.

Lovely Niece #1 is not into this. We always fight. Yesterday I tried to appeal to her political instincts. "This isn't me being generous. Taxes are ridiculously low. This is 'wealth redistribution'."

She was too clever and stubborn to accept this.

"You can give it to Armenians if you like."

That wore her down. Or maybe she just wanted me to shut up.

I have invited them both to NZ. But I've also told them that they are not to live with us, but to go out and have Kiwi adventures. I think it's important that they do that, and not just hang out with the old folk. I'll be there with the safety-net and the money to help them of course but I'd like them to live for themselves, most of all.

So that is why I deserve this mug. I remember my uncles would ruffle my hair, tell me dirty jokes and give me 50p. Which in itself was very nice. But HARDLY mugworthy.

Parsones