Learning

The first, most important lesson I had to learn even before getting pregnant was patience. I had to accept that I was no longer in control. I'd like to say that it was easy, but I resisted and fought and tried so hard to keep a sense of control. Until it became clear that I controlled nothing. Baby was in charge.

I carried that while going through the little nights with olivier and the tantrums and all those moments when you have to stop, breathe, remember that the tiny little dude in front of you can't, even though he is trying, exert the control you are asking of him.

Getting pregnant a second time was and still is a crash course in losing control again. This baby has ideas, opinions. He is thriving, moving around as if he still had a lot of space, dancing in my tummy and jumping on my bladder. But he's also testing me.

See, he seems to be in a hurry to get out. So I end up, like tonight, again, hooked to monitors while I go through a few hours of very intense contractions. You'd think, second time around, I'd be more confident, I'd know false from real labour, but kiddo here likes to mess with me. Because he still isn't ready to come out, no matter how much he tries. And it's my job to keep him cooking.

So I'm stuck home, because I want to keep him safe until his lungs are ready. And my patience is tested, night after night, as I try to balance my need to exist and have a life and go outside, and his needs of me being as quiet as possible so that I don't "irritate" my uterus into another evening of contractions.

Naps tend to win, but I'm bored.
Please, send distractions!