Friend

My dear Friend died this day. 


I was with her in the morning with Vegan Jo – her eyes were fixed and open and her breathing was in Cheyne–Stokes respiration – I hoped she was no longer present in mind but held her and told her we would look after her girls always. We left to give the girls time alone with her as the crisis team had been there then us and The Gardener. They called me a couple of hours later to go up as she had died. I held youngest as she broke her heart with tears.

Myself, Vegan Jo, Nellie of the Woods and Homeopathic Girl prepared her body as was her wish. We smudged ourselves and her, washed and oiled her body, washed and combed her hair, dressed her in the clothes the daughters chose, lit candles around her. With cotton wool and coins on her eyes she looked as if she was having the most beautiful body treatment and by the end she was looking like the person she once was – a slight smile seemed to be on her face and she looked at peace.

I sat with her alone to say goodbye once more – the complete incomprehension struck me as to how she could be taken so young, the anxiety, distress and pain of her last two years of life and now seeing her as if asleep and as she was before she was diagnosed, but gone. We shared so much together, we knew each other so well, we laughed, cried, discussed everything. How could such a gentle, strong, enduring, beautiful, compassionate, funny, generous woman be gone.

We left the girls and eldest’s partner who by that time had arrived from Bristol. We sat in my kitchen and drank from a bottle of gin which had been given as a present to  Nellie  30 years ago - today Nellie had her first ever alcoholic drink. Party Girl phoned and came round and joined us. We talked and laughed and cried until everyone felt ready to part and go home.

I have lost my dearest friend, we have all lost our dear friend,  two young girls have lost their mother. We are all in that place of loss – she is vivid in my mind, strong in my heart, in every tear that falls. 

21/08/1963 – 18/12/2016