4.10pm

Phone rings

"Is that Sarah?"
I knew, I knew it straight away
"I am afraid that your operation tomorrow has been cancelled"

The call finished with the admissions person assuring me that the consultant's secretary would ring me when she came out of her meeting at 4.30pm.

I rang back at 4.40pm.  She had left for the afternoon and wasn't due back in until middle of next week.  Was then informed that the next time she meets with my consultant is next Friday and i am therefore not likely to hear anything until 4th or 5th April, as the consultants schedule the major surgeries themselves.  So on this phone call, my procedure is major, not minor like it was when it was cancelled previously (in January).

It is, however, non urgent.  Because living like a zombie, in constant pain despite the ridiculous amount of pain medication that I am on - that's not urgent.  It's not urgent or important that I have no quality of life, that my family live with essentially a shell of the woman they know and love.  That's not important.

Originally, this surgery was scheduled for 8th April.  Then the hospital brought it forward to 25th February.  Then they cancelled it and gave me a new date of 24th March.  Cancelled again.

I really don't have the words.  Devastated might be a really good starter.
I am stuck in limbo land.  My school have re-timetabled colleagues to cover for me in what was expected to be my absence. I feel like a fraud for not being in the building now when I am not being operated on tomorrow.  But I can't function like this anyway.

I sort of wish that the enormous cyst would just burst so that they would have to admit me as an emergency.  

How can this still be happening to me.

I think I have had enough now.  I have nothing left.