Haunted by Memories

36 weeks

parent 1 write up

Some day's I struggle, to accept, to understand, some day's I can't believe, feel I don't deserve this little life growing inside me.
A feeling I don't expect or want anyone else to understand or even remotely know.
Maybe I do things without thinking, maybe I do them knowing what I am doing but not caring, Not because I don't care, I do, but because its a struggle to believe this little life I am carrying in 4 weeks time is here to stay.
Emotionally I have days I find it hard to get my head round the fact sproutling is all mine, (and parent 2's!) no one else's,
Mine/ours and ours alone, No interference, No losing.
I take on so much, things to do, pile it on myself, perhaps to forget the hell that happened this month 5 yrs ago, or maybe to punish myself for it, either way, it really isn't easy,
I do not command or want attention, nor do I want sympathy, I ask for nothing more then to have this life in 4 weeks time in my arms for as long as sproutling allows me too.
I don't always think, I snap, I annoy, I stress, I shut down, I switch off, I grab up the older sibling, hold her tight, I wish the tears to fall, but they stay locked in side, in this emotional roller-coaster,
hence a doll in this blip, a mask, a face of perfection, a silent tear, empty yet so full,
I knew this journey wasn't going to be easy, but I never realized it would be this hard.
I don't talk, I don't wish to pile my troubles to another's shoulders, to do so, lumbering them with things they could never get their head round is no fair.
I don't do this blip for attention, I don't want I am sorry, I don't want to hear empty words, I just need to let out, I need to speak words that will never leave my mouth to a hearing ear, but the written word read to an eye, I can do.
Don't ask, don't question, don't judge, I am just thankful for those who stand by no matter what