Good Grief 34

I'm not exactly sure what I'm trying to say here so please bear with me, or just enjoy the beauty of this sweet pea if you prefer which is likely to be a better idea ...

The other night I dreamt that my husband was with me in bed. I was facing the other way but it was a very normal, very real sense of him there, lying there behind me sleeping ... just as a normal presence. It was completely immediate, there was no sense of thinking or feeling it was strange - it just was as it was. There wasn't, and isn't, any sense of 'ahh, that's nice, a pleasant memory or sense of him', or, any sense of 'that's upsetting', or anything at all. It was just normal and felt real and ordinary. I guess it was simply a hypnopompic state that simply came into conscious awareness.

It got me to realising though that since he died I don't really feel as though I have been living. That  state was 'living' - it just was as it was, the 'normal' day to day. This  though, feels like 'not living'. It's not that it doesn't seem real, in some ways it can feel more real ... oddly.  But it almost seems to be like a permanent state of emotion without the living bit. There is no living, I feel I have just become some sort of emotional transport (of the sad variety) in the world. It is as if I have been in some sort of relay race and I was running along as normal, just getting on with it, and then, suddenly I got handed the 'emotion baton' and I am no longer a runner in the race but have passed into another form, another parallel track, that has no other role other than to carry emotion (of the tragic kind). It is not that life wasn't emotional before, it was hugely so and appropriate to life events but now those are no longer present and I seem to have been left with surplus emotional residue that has no place and no home in the world.